recently reopened!

Welcome to Our Very Safe Restaurant!

“We sort of look forward to serving you!” Photo: Erik Von Weber/Getty Images

Thank you for coming to our restaurant. We’re so happy to see that you are still alive!

As you know, we’ve just reopened after the pandemic-related shutdown, so — out of an abundance of caution — we’ve made a few changes. Safety is our top priority!

First off, thank you for letting us take your temperature. Yours is 98.4 degrees, which is great. Now we’ll unseal the dining-room doors for you.

May I say that those are lovely sweatpants that you’re wearing?

Here is your table. We haven’t set it yet because we want you to know that everything has been completely sanitized before your arrival. We’ll bring a fresh baggie of plastic utensils shortly. Just like at an airport! Remember those? They were fun.

The smell? Please don’t think of it as “bleach.” We prefer to think of it as the subtle-yet-distinct aroma of safety.

Oh, hahaha! No, those aren’t people at the next table. They’re mannequins that we’ve placed in empty seats to make the room look fuller during this ongoing period of mandated 50 percent capacity. We know that the idea of proximity to other humans is still a bit scary, so our manager filled the room with dead-eyed, fake humans instead. You know, for comfort!

We no longer offer a physical menu. Instead, we put it online so you can read it on your personal device. Sure, it used to be “rude” to look at your phone during dinner, but those days are long gone! It was fun to have the freedom to care about such trivial things, wasn’t it?

We want you to be as comfortable as possible during your visit. So we allow you to select the safety mask that your server will wear for the duration of the meal. You may choose a simple cloth face mask, a floral bandanna, or one of the robot helmets from Daft Punk.

You needn’t worry about the safety of your food. Everything has been cooked to an internal temperature of 215 degrees, ensuring it is 100 percent virus-free. Of course the chef was not happy about that change, but then he got sick, and he is now in quarantine. Sometimes problems sort themselves out!

Yes, the bar area is closed for social-distancing reasons, but we absolutely offer a full menu of alcoholic beverages. At this point, they’re the only things that keep most of us going anymore, right? Maybe I can join you for a drink later. Hahaha! That’s just a joke, of course … unless?

Our restrooms? We’ve replaced those with a hose station out back. Chloe will spray you down when you’re done. We use only the finest artisanal delousing powder.

Some more good news is that our menu is now completely vegan and gluten-free! Yes, we understand that we used to be a “steakhouse,” but the ongoing meat and flour shortages have … let’s say, allowed us to rethink our approach. Try the bean loaf!

We do apologize for the temperature. We know it’s warm. As it turned out, our state-of-the-art climate-control system recirculated air around the room, which was quite dangerous. We’ve replaced it with a single open window and the industrial-strength fan at the other end of the dining room. Hold on to your napkins.

I realize I called them “napkins,” but I know as well as you do that they’re actually Clorox wipes.

Please be mindful when you remove your masks to eat. If you cough, or sneeze, or look even a little congested, we’ll be forced to ask you to leave and then burn this entire establishment to the ground.

Yes, the plates are paper. While we understand that they aren’t quite as luxurious as our old china, they are absolutely the most sanitary option. When you’re finished, we ask that you please bus your own table by placing everything in this garbage bag and carrying it to the big dumpster at the end of the block.

Here is your bill. We know that $400 for two appetizers and an entree seems expensive, but our owner was unfortunately forced to raise prices a tad since she hasn’t been able to pay rent in like four months and the government has offered no assistance whatsoever to small businesses such as ours. Honestly, you should be happy that we were able to reopen at all!

Thank you so much for dining with us! We can’t wait to see you again after your mandatory 14-day isolation period!

Welcome to Our Very Safe Restaurant!