The fourth Loko of the apocalypse has descended upon us. Yesterday, Four Loko announced that it would finally, actually release its own hard seltzer. Appropriately for a brand that once created a blackout in a can, Four Loko’s hard seltzer is 12 percent ABV — a downgrade from the originally advertised 14 percent, but still intimidating. It’s available in black cherry, which you can’t help but hope was a petty decision based on the flavor being hard-seltzer king White Claw’s most popular.
Put another way, the people who once pioneered “liquid hyperbole” and created the LMFAO of booze have resigned themselves to making canned vodka soda. How far have we fallen? Far. Bud Light has announced that it will unleash Bud Light Seltzer in early 2020. Already the new decade sounds on par to suck at least as bad as this one, which, remember, included the year 2016. Bud Bubble is weak sauce compared to Four Loko, at just 5 percent ABV, but Bud Light promises that it’s exploring new territory in hard-seltzer land with flavors like lemon-lime, strawberry, mango, and, yes, black cherry.
As this decade comes to a close, it’s become clear that there is no turning back. This is the way the world ends. Not with a chaotic blackout from Four Loko, but a light buzz with your bros drinking hard seltzer while tossing the ‘bee.