Kranch Arrives in Stores, and America Teeters on the Brink

Yeah, that’s gonna be a no. Illustration: Grub Street. Photo: Heinz

This week, for reasons not entirely clear, Heinz released something called Kranch. It may sound like the name of a child-gobbling monster from a German fairy tale, but in actuality Kranch is a similarly unholy premade mix of ketchup and ranch.

Here’s the thing about Kranch: It’s an awful idea. It does not take a degree in food science or even much kitchen experience to recognize that these two things do not belong together. Ranch is, of course, America’s greatest food, and ketchup is the Ryan Seacrest of condiments: a bit boring, maybe, but unbelievably reliable. Taken together, these flavors make no sense. They are both sweet, while ranch’s creamy dairy base is the exact opposite of ketchup’s fruity acidity.

Even if you aren’t offended by the mere idea of ketchup and ranch commingling, you don’t need a giant corporation to mix them for you. Grub can confirm, based on years of personal experience, that it is extremely easy to combine two different condiments. When done properly — adding a bit of mustard to jazz up store-bought mayo, perhaps, or turning ketchup and mayo into Fancy Sauce — each component is made better by the addition of the other. Kranch, on the other hand, is nothing more than a craven marketing ploy that, like many similar ideas, takes two perfect ideas and ruins them completely.

As a country, the last few years have shown us in horrifying detail what can happen when questionable enterprises are allowed to unfold unchallenged: our privacy is under constant attack from Facebook. Trump has done everlasting damage to our democracy. Now this. The stuff has only just hit store shelves, but it’s already time for America to stand up to Big Kranch —before things become even worse than they already are.

Kranch Arrives in Stores, and America Teeters on the Brink