the chain gang

It’s Almost Time Again to Remind Yourself the Pumpkin Spice Latte Sucks

It has returned. Photo: Starbucks

End-of-summer dread has officially set in, and adding insult to injury, Starbucks has blithely decided that it’s time to announce the inevitable return of its Pumpkin Spice Latte. And this time, Starbucks might violate its sacred accord with August: Some believe the drink could return as early as August 28. Do you have no shame?

The PSL is an enshrined part of the calendar for its cult of cinnamon-loving devotees, despite tasting like an equal part mix of sugar and radioactive pumpkin glop. Why has no one been asking if this is proof that the PSL is a mind-control beverage (MCB) designed to enslave Americans by taking advantage of our collective desire to live off nothing but sugar? Is it already too late? Given the boldness of PSLs in August, it seems so. God speed.

It’s Almost Time to Remember the Pumpkin Spice Latte Sucks