Last night should’ve been Jimmy Kimmel’s chance to celebrate victory over Graham-Cassidy, the Obamacare-repeal bill he spent the past week publicly dismantling. Instead, thanks to a Jersey-based pizza chain, he was forced to confront a new American threat he warns is “maybe even more disturbing than anything we’ve seen in Congress this week.” He’s referring to the pumpkin-spice pizza, a new menu item that Villa Italian Kitchen, which has more than 230 locations nationwide, added last Friday to commemorate the first day of fall.
Yes, it’s a real thing Villa Italian is selling, and no, it’s not entirely serious. (This is the same chain that sold an “alternative facts” zero-calorie pie after President Trump’s inauguration, after all.) Kimmel has no patience for it, regardless, and his theory is it probably wasn’t even created on purpose: “I bet a delivery guy spilled his latte on an order and refused to admit that he screwed up.” To put the threat into context, he asks you to imagine a poor, young midwestern child whose parents take her to her very first pizzeria — turns out, it’s a Villa Italian Kitchen, so her first-ever bite of pizza is a mouthful of pumpkin spice. “And she hates it — she wastes years of her life thinking pizza tastes like nutmeg. And she never tries it again,” he warns. “What about that child?”
To save her and the rest of America from PSP’s horrors, he tells viewers he’s mounted a new campaign. “I’m afraid I’m gonna have to ask you to pick up your phones and call your senators again. Tell them we will not stand for pumpkin-spice pizza. Let’s make pizza great again, okay? And God bless the United States of America.”