Dumb Criminals

FBI Looking for Man Who Sprinkled ‘Unknown Liquid Substance’ Around Whole Foods

Just here for a quick mass-poisoning.
Just here for a quick mass-poisoning.

The FBI’s Detroit office says it has a couple of questions for a local idiot caught pouring a weird liquid onto the unpackaged food at an Ann Arbor Whole Foods. The suspect entered the store last week and, according to security-camera footage, went around casually sprinkling a substance over the prepared-food bars, then left. In one shot, the guy’s head is even tilted up so he makes disturbingly direct eye contact with the camera.

Out of an “abundance of caution,” Whole Foods says all of the salads and hot foods were immediately dumped. Store employees then spent presumably a good chunk of their day thoroughly sanitizing all of the trays, equipment, and serving utensils before restocking the bars for a second time. FBI officials say preliminary tests haven’t found any proof that the mysterious liquid was harmful, but they can’t yet rule out the possibility “unequivocally.” They also aren’t saying what the suspect might be charged with once somebody recognizes him in one of the myriad full-body images they’re circulating, but he’s already clearly in violation of being a serious moron.


FBI After Man Who Contaminated a Whole Foods