The presidential election has been stuffed even more than usual with party infighting, half-truths, and more outright lies than any right-minded person can count. But as you may have seen, Wednesday brought about perhaps the most inexcusable conduct yet. Ohio governor and GOP candidate John Kasich was in Howard Beach eating at Gino’s Pizzeria when he made the same mistake that too many other politicians have made before: He reached for a fork and used it to eat his slice.
Members of the media, and indeed the voting public at large, have been understandably horrified by this. So today Kasich was of course in full-on damage-control mode. He hit Good Morning America to explain his frightful behavior, describing it thusly:
Look, look, the pizza came scalding hot, okay? And so I use a little fork … You know what? My wife who is on spring break with my daughters said, “I’m proud of you. You finally learned how to use a utensil properly.”
So, not only did Kasich use a fork to eat pizza, but the last part of his explanation would indicate that he hasn’t had a natural inclination toward using forks before this. If he’s made it this far in life as a Utensil-Averse Adult (UAA), why on earth would he start using one now?
Oh, right, because the pizza was hot. Pizza is supposed to be hot. A slice of New York pizza should land in front of you radiating heat to an almost terrifying degree, blasted in an oven that burns with the fury of a thousand hellfires. You are supposed to know that if you eat it too quickly you will incinerate the roof of your mouth so thoroughly that it will tingle and feel kinda weird and numb for the rest of the afternoon.
But you don’t reach for a fork. You wait. Or you just blow on it a little to help cool it off. Or, if you’re a real pro, you eat it and do that thing where you sort of suck in the air to cool it off retroactively. Or you act like a true leader and just toughen up and brace yourself for the worst, bravely advancing your cause even though you know the outcome won’t be as simple, or ideal, as you may have hoped.