The Chain Gang

15 Food Petitions of Incredible Significance You Should Probably Sign Now

Hey, it could happen.
Hey, it could happen. Photo: Marisa Woocher

An author and activist named Kathy Freston started a petition, the WSJ reports, beseeching McDonald’s to develop and start selling a “healthy, meatless option” — one that’s not a salad — throughout its outlets. The Quantum Wellness: A Practical and Spiritual Guide to Health and Happiness writer argues the fast-food giant’s addition of a “meatless protein-centric” menu option would have broad implications toward greater health and sustainability issues. Some 88,000 others — including Andrew Zimmern, Ellen DeGeneres, Mark Bittman, and Pamela Anderson — have already put the e-John Hancocks on this, too, so as far as campaigns addressing serious food issues are concerned, this one has been pretty successful. Yet there are many other food petitions out there that have gone seriously under the radar. Here are fifteen of them.

Campaign: McDonald’s, Bring back Hot Mustard to all restaurants!
What it’s asking: A safe, expedient return of the McNugget dipping sauce.
Where it’s at: Only 21 needed!
Why it matters: “Shoot maybe some people drink it, I dont know, it sure is delicious enough to try though. I am just not sure of the thought process here, please Mcdonalds, bring back Hot Mustard, for crying out loud!”

Campaign: Taco Bell, Change the slogan to Taco Bell does tacos well
What it’s asking: “Taco bell does tacos well.” That is all.
Where it’s at: Perhaps surprisingly, this one has 8,242 signatures already, with 1,758 to go. Campaigns centered on human-rights abuses and sustainable vegetables have fewer signees.
Why it matters: Because Taco Bell does tacos well?

Campaign: Pizza Hut, Please unblock me on Facebook!
What it’s asking: For the chain to unblock this guy on Facebook.
Where it’s at: 45 signed, 55 to go.
Why it matters: “Who blocks Ryan Woodsmall!?” One user remarks. “Really!? He’s a fucking American; show some repsect! [sic]”

Campaign: Taco Bell, Give customers a minimum of two hot-sauce packets per taco, burrito, or other entree ordered.
What it’s asking: Give us condiments, or give us death.
Where it’s at: Not looking good, people.
Why it matters: “There is no point in eating Taco Bell without the sauce,” offers David Rogers of Jacksonville, Florida, who is correct.

Campaign: Chick-fil-A, Keep the brownie and bring back the cheesecake desserts
What it’s asking: Don’t let the Chick-fil-A brownie go down without a fight. Battle call: “Let’s stand together and get back our desserts!”
Where it’s at: 18/100, which is almost 20 percent.
Why it matters: “It is what separated them from the places with a cookie dessert,” one signee writes. Here, here.

Campaign: Starbucks, Open Starbucks coffee in Tbilisi, Georgia.
What it’s asking: “We, Georgians, are kind people. We love coffee, we love Starbucks, please come here!”
Where it’s at: Some 99,993 signatures are still needed, but we’ve got a feeling they’re going to turn this thing around.
Why it matters: It just matters. Okay? Will someone please sign this one today?

Campaign: Ben & Jerry’s, Create an ice-cream flavor called “Praline Givens”
What it’s asking: For the Timothy Olyphant character from Justified to get his own commemorative frozen dessert.
Where it’s at: 28 out of 100. Not too shabby.
Why it matters: “He works hard to corral U.S. fugitives and he deserves to come home every night to a rich and creamy ice flavor name that honors his important deeds and dry sense of humor.”

Campaign: Pepsi, Please consider the slogan, “The New Generation does not support #Blackfish captivity!”
What it’s asking: For the soft-drink-maker to take a stand against the captivity of whales like those depicted in the documentary Blackfish.
Where it’s at: A respectable 626 signatures strong.
Why it matters: Because “Coca-Cola proudly supports incarcerated dolphins and orcas.”

Campaign: Funimation, Make a Papa John’s anime
What it’s asking: Seems straightforward, but maybe it isn’t?
Where it’s at: 876 needed to make this dream a bit less dreamy.
Why it matters: “This is important because of modern society’s dire need for pizza-related television.”

Campaign: McDonald’s, bring back Angus Burgers (at least periodically)
What it’s asking: The return of the large-size “Angus Third-Pounder” hamburger, no questions asked. Mushroom and Swiss first.
Where it’s at: Like Robert Redford adrift in the Indian Ocean, all is lost, guys. So far, just 56 have signed; 10,000 are needed.
Why it matters: “They actually tasted homemade.”

Campaign: Dairy Queen, Make the Confetti-Cake Blizzard permanent
What it’s asking: You know damn well what it’s asking.
Where it’s at: Okay, well, this one closed, but it’s been included here because someone should start it up again.
Why it matters: “Dairy Queen hit the nail on the head with its biggest blizzard since cotton candy. To this day customers are still requesting the beloved blizzard only to find it has been cast away for eternity.”

Campaign: Doritos, Bring back 3-D Nacho Cheese
What it’s asking: “We all love the classic Nacho Cheese Doritos but they lack one thing: a 3rd dimension. Remember those delectable puffed up, crispy, crunchy, nacho cheesy snacks?”
Where it’s at: Some 84 signatures are needed.
Why it matters: Because it’s unreasonable to expect Frito-Lay to ever manufacture Tenth Dimensional Doritos if they don’t bring the paltry 3-D ones back first.

Campaign: Steve Mena, Stop eating cute animals
What it’s asking: To be honest, we don’t know Steve, but the petitioner writes, “We should not eat cute animals such as Rabbits, Ducks, Baby Cows, Lobsters, Kangaroos, Moose and all other cute animals that I have not mentioned.”
Where it’s at: This petition closed.
Why it matters: Because someone is finally unafraid to say they think lobsters are cute.

Campaign: Starbucks, get rid of new, bland La Boulange food items
What it’s asking: It’s all right there in the 1,000-word manifesto.
Where it’s at: Could be going stronger with 22 out of 78 signatures.
Why it matters: “I used to treat my kids to Starbucks scones once a month,” writes one signee who clearly does not live in Tbilisi. “Now there is nothing they like.”

Campaign: Tim Hortons, Unblock cannabis-related websites from the Tim Hortons Wi-Fi
What it’s asking: For executives to reverse their “biased corporate censorship” policy and let Tim’s customers learn about weed over Canadian Maple Crullers.
Where it’s at: Only 9,959 to go.
Why it matters: Dude, the people have a right to know. Information wants to be free!

Attention McDonald’s: The People Demand McVeggie [Wall Street Journal via Eater]

15 Food Petitions of Incredible Significance You Should Probably Sign Now