Top Chef Masters Recap: Dave Hill on Sexy Motorcycles and Curtis Stone’s Engagement Surprise

He's taken.
He’s taken. Photo: Bravo TV

Hello, Top Chef Masters addicts. This is your man Dave Hill, culinary expert and guy-who-knows-way-more-about-basically-everything-than-anyone-writing-here-in-the-comments-section-so-there, coming to you with another scintillating recap of the best cooking show that has ever happened ever, Top Chef Masters, mentioned earlier.

Last night was episode four of season five of this incredible program or, as I like to call it, the episode that broke the hearts of women (and probably a lot of dudes) everywhere. I am of course referring to the engagement of host Curtis Stone to a woman, specifically Lindsay Price, the popular actress we still talk about to this day.

Please let me say right now that I am extremely happy for Curtis and wish him and Lindsay a lifetime of happiness together just as long as it in no way inhibits mine and Curtis’s ability to become close personal friends who sometimes just whip off our shirts and go road tripping into the mountains or some other remote location on sexy motorcycles at a moment’s notice and just really enjoy our time together talking about everything and nothing at all as two totally straight guys who are totally into chicks and (hopefully) antiquing.

Anyway, last night’s program got off to an electric start as usual with the Quickfire Challenge. This time around, the chefs were asked to make a curry dish to pair with a Goose Island beer in just 30 minutes. As usual, pretty much all of the chefs practically soiled themselves as soon as they got the assignment, but then got down to the business of cooking like the wind. At one point, chef Sang Yoon compared curry to the popular rock band Arcade Fire and I wanted to climb right through my television and stab him, not because I have anything against curry or Arcade Fire (I am a fan of both, within reason), but seriously come on. I’m guessing one of the producer’s forced him to say this at gunpoint, so I am doing my best not to hold it against him as of this writing but still, ugh, gross — I don’t want to live in this world.

Despite the curry/Arcade Fire incident, Sang still managed to win the Quickfire Challenge for the second time this season with his Thai yellow curry with kaffir lime and chicken thighs.

Episode four’s Elimination Challenge began with judge and Saveur editor James Oseland walking in and the entire viewing audience (if they are anything like me, anyway) letting loose with a collective, “Get the fuck over yourself already, James Oseland” sigh. Meanwhile, dreamy Curtis tells the chefs they will have to team up in sexy threesomes to make appetizers for some dumb party James is throwing. But when Curtis leaves, James, showing his goddamn softer side for once, reveals that the chefs will actually be cooking for Curtis’s surprise engagement party, something I’m guessing Curtis must have known about because yeah, right, like you’re gonna just go springing shit on Curtis Stone on national TV like that. He has hair care and lip glossing to worry about!

Anyway, Sang, Lynn, and Bryan formed a team; David, Douglas (the immune one this time around), and Sue formed a team; and Neal, Jennifer, and Franklin formed a team. Then everyone started freaking out once again in that way that keeps our eyes glued to the screen every damn time and it was great.

Douglas makes a shiitake umami broth; David makes this crazy ass chocolate cheesecake thing; and Sue makes this curried crab beignet that I wanted to shove directly into my goddamn face, and everyone agrees that they had the best threesome. Meanwhile, all the judges agree that Franklin, Neal, and Jennifer totally suck at cooking. Franklin made chocolate ricotta doughnuts (ummmm, gross!); Neal made lamb kafta (This is a joke, right?); and Jennifer made some bullshit lobster ravioli I wouldn’t feed to a dog.

Together they stand and feel great shame as they have failed not only the viewing audience, but — more important — themselves. Then, James tells Franklin he’s been flying too close to the sun basically and he better go clean out his locker before he runs right over to Curtis Stone and ruins his hair right in front of America! Franklin is pissed, but if you ask me, he had it coming: You don’t go just cooking any old bullshit for Curtis Stone’s surprise TV engagement party! Franklin will be lucky to get a day shift at Applebee’s after this, I bet.

It should be noted at this time that judge Gail Simmons looked as radiant as ever even if she was kind of short-tempered during the Elimination Challenge. And am I the only one who noticed that Gail Simmons and Lindsay Price look more than just a little bit alike? Why Curtis couldn’t have just told Gail how he really feels instead of just running out and finding some chick who looks pretty much just like her I’ll never know. If Gail ends up dying alone, I will totally blame Curtis but will not let it affect our friendship whatsoever if Curtis is reading this.

Top Chef Masters returns with scorching hot episode five next Wednesday at 10 p.m. on the popular Bravo network.

Top Chef Masters Recap: Dave Hill on Sexy Motorcycles and Curtis