Sno Ball Apocalypse

A Sno Ball’s Chance in Hell: Here Are Some Alternatives to Hostess Cakes

Blot your tears with Plenty's gussied-up red velvet Twinkies.
Blot your tears with Plenty’s gussied-up red velvet Twinkies. Photo: Courtesy of Tejal Rao

People are already selling Twinkies on eBay, and everything seems upside down: “Weed legal and twinkies a thing of the past,” writes Sam Youngman on Twitter. “It’s like a stoner episode of the twilight zone.” And now that we’ve acknowledged that Hostess Cakes (as we know them) will cease to exist and we’ve said goodbye to Mr. Fruit Pie Magician, the next stage of snacky grief is forgetting all of this Twinkie stuff altogether by moving on with some new cream-filled sponge. That in mind, here are a few substitutes. They may never take the place of your Ding Dongs, but they will certainly take the cake. Because they’re made of cake.

Plenty Bakery
The Upper East Side shop sells red velvet Twinkies, seen here.

Cinnamon Snail
Vegan Twinkies of all different flavors, at least on occasion, for $3 a pop from the food truck. Past flavors included white chocolate macadamia, maple, and espresso-cream-filled chocolate.

Bouchon Bakery
Ho Hos. They’re like big chocolate and cream burritos, really.

Empire Cake
“Snack Cakes” and glorified Twinkies Lemon; passion fruit with coconut and blackout chocolate (chocolate cake dipped in chocolate with chocolate pudding filling). They’ve also remade the Sno Ball snack cake, and the Chocodile (that’s chocolate covered Twinkie).

Betty Bakery
They’ve got Twinks ($2.75) and Ring-a-Dings ($3.50).

Their “Squiggle Cupcake and Vanilla Puff” may resemble a certain cupcake you know.

The Stanton Social
Count on Chris Santos for a good alternative; try pastry chef Jaime T. Sudberg’s gingerbread Twinkies with pumpkin cream-cheese filling; $4.

Zucker Bakery
High-end Sno Balls.

Brooklyn Farmacy
Here, indulge in a Red Velvet Twinkie Split.

Trois Pommes
Red velvet twinkies.

“Winkies;” $6.25 for two, and they’re gluten-free.

And of course, consider that helpful duck and his Yodel, because it’s unclear what liquidation means for the Drake’s Cakes, a Hostess subsidiary. While your bodega shelves are being stripped of Hostess goods headed straight for the looming black market, don’t forget there are always Krimpets from Tastykake. There is the perpetual lunar funk of MoonPies, and of course, the entire Little Debbie oeuvre. Good night, and good luck.

Did we miss any? Let us know in the comments below.

The (Possible) End of Twinkies: Hostess Will Close Forever
Related: Time to Mourn: Watch Sixteen Vintage Hostess Commercials

A Sno Ball’s Chance in Hell: Here Are Some Alternatives to Hostess Cakes