The James Weird Awards

The James Weird Awards: Beef Jerky Bandits, Cookie Monsters, and an Alcoholic Baby

There are people who inadvertantly get their tongues pierced at Chili’s. There are others who overdose on geflite fish and soy sauce. And there are the overachievers who make the weekly James Weird Awards. These are their stories.

• A Polish pizzeria is serving a satirical pie based on the sex-partying Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi. Called the “bunga bunga,” the pizza is topped with anchovies, figs, prosciutto, and black pepper — a combination of ingredients believed to be as “spicy and wild as the Italian leader’s sex parties.” [Forbes]

• A “beef jerky bandit” is on the loose in suburban Buffalo. The nefarious nabber has so far stolen more than $1,000 worth of loot. “The only thing we can surmise is that he’s reselling them,” said a police officer, hinting that there might be vibrant black market for beef jerky upstate. [Buffalo News]

• An Applebee’s employee was taken to the hospital after being bitten by a customer. The would-be vampire was drunk and disturbing other customers. When asked to leave, he refused (who would want to leave Applebee’s?) and instead sunk his teeth into the employee’s left bicep, “causing bruising and bleeding.” [East Windsor Patch]

• A 3-year-old child in England is being treated for alcoholism. Hospital staff reports that the toddler had been “given alcohol regularly” but is now in recovery. [AP]

• A man in Florida stole $1.19 worth of cookies from an area convenience store. Police found him on the street, “chewing and licking as crumbs fell from his lips.” “Yeah, I stole the cookies,” he told the officer. “I’m the cookie monster.” [Palm Beach Post]

• A lucky lobster caught in England has been deemed too special to eat. The “fantastic specimen” is about ten pounds heavy and estimated to be “at least 50 years old.” The crustacean will live out the rest of its life in a retirement aquarium, wondering when the grandchildren will visit. [Reuters]

• A customer at a Florida Denny’s became so frustrated with the restaurant’s slow service that he walked outside and shot his pistol three times. He then sped away in his car, driving hungrily into that good night. [Orlando Sentinel]

The James Weird Awards: Beef Jerky Bandits, Cookie Monsters, and an Alcoholic