Ronald McDonald Guillotined, Abductor Roams Free

R.I.P., Ronald McDonald.
R.I.P., Ronald McDonald. Photo: Konstantin Sergeyev

Ronald McDonald has had a tough few weeks. First it was bedpans and bingo at a nursing home for corrupt marketing icons. Then the Food Liberation Army abducted him. Now the FLA breaks some devastating news to NPR: Ronnie’s dead. The gruesome final days of the scarlet-mopped scapegoat, straight ahead.

The Finnish extremist group first made off with Ronald — or a statue of him, anyway — in a brash attempt to expose McDonald’s business practices. They vowed to execute him if the chain failed to answer questions about their treatment of animals, their stance on ecofriendliness, etc. Well, apparently McDonald’s didn’t really care, and Ronnie’s head rolled as a result.

“All Things Considered” got FLA head (yes, they still have a head) Jani Leinonen on the phone to discuss the carnage. Apparently, Leinonen’s stuck in some kind of perverse Stockholm Syndrome situation in which he captured Ronald, hates McDonald’s, yet can’t stop eating there:

NPR: Now, clearly, you are addicted to McDonald’s, but I’m assuming you haven’t shown your face at a McDonald’s this week ‘cause presumably you’re in hiding, right? I mean, you’ve abducted Ronald McDonald.

LEINONEN: Well, they didn’t have any security cameras, so actually, I did go to eat there the following day after kidnapping.

What a hypocrite! Not only is Ronald’s blood on his hands, so is the telltale scent of French-fry grease!

Meanwhile, Ronald’s death isn’t even discussed until halfway through the interview:

NPR: Now, you guys set a deadline for McDonald’s to respond to your questions. That passed yesterday. You had threatened to execute Ronald McDonald, the fiberglass statue of Ronald. Has McDonald’s met your demands?

LEINONEN: Unfortunately, not. And Ronald was executed in a guillotine last night.

What?? Oh, you know how these things go! Polish off a few Quarter Pounders, watch some True Blood, then murder a clown! Has he no shame? Fortunately, Leinonen was arrested and subjected to a “30-hour” interrogation by police. But now he’s back on the streets, ready to throttle more fast-food icons. As he tells NPR: “Ronald was executed only yesterday, so we have to think about the next target.”

If we were Mayor McCheese, we’d be shoring up our security detail!

Ronald McDonald Held Hostage by Activists [NPR]

Earlier: Ronald McDonald to Face Execution
Time for Bedpans, Bingo, and Mah-Jong, Ronald McDonald!

Ronald McDonald Guillotined, Abductor Roams Free