Top Chef

Who Marcel Will Piss Off This Time, and Other Top Chef: All-Stars Predictions

Photo: Matthias Clamer/BravoTV

Grub Street was early in the game on Top Chef: All-Stars, with tipsters spotting the cast and crew shooting at Fairway in Red Hook back in September. Tonight, the show premieres, and we couldn’t help ourselves from making a few predictions about this gang of chef personalities we’ve all come to know and love/hate. They’re a persnickety and colorful bunch, which gives us hope that the show will be more exciting than the first of the preview trailers, in which everyone sounds vaguely bored and contractually obligated. (“Now that I’m back, I think I’ll show a little bit more, uh, deliciousness,” says Season 2’s Marcel Vigneron, sounding like even he is bored with his own bad attitude.) In any event, Paula Deen shows up! And they cook for Jimmy Fallon! And there’s a one-on-one cook-off with Colicchio! Below, our predictions — feel free to turn this into a drinking game — and further below, a couple of the video previews.

Top Chef: All-Stars: By the Numbers

Minutes before Blais whips out the liquid nitrogen or immersion circulator: 4

The frequency with which Carla will employ the word “love” with regard to a dish: 1 in 3

Likelihood that Carla will spontaneously break into song and/or let loose with bizarre animal noises: 100%

Tiffani’s surliness level, on a scale of 1 to 10: 9

Seconds before the first product placement: 90

Episodes in which Fabio will win a challenge by sheer use of charming foreign-speak and a winning smile: 3

The number of times the chefs will complain about the clock:
every damn time

The number of times in the first episode that someone will mention “feeling rusty”: 8

Approximate number of dishes Marcel will rip off from Wylie Dufresne this season: 2

Minutes before Antonia mentions her kid:

Number of weeks before they play a flashback of Caucasian Dale talking about bottoming out, or talking about living on the floor of his apartment without heat — meaning that he’s either going to win the challenge or get sent home:

Frequency with which Asian Dale, or someone, will mention that he or she’s “not here to make friends”: once per episode

Frequency with which Marcel will anger or otherwise insult someone: once per episode

Percentage of dishes Jamie Lauren will make with scallops: 90

Number of times Mike will piss off Jamie with a pig-headed comment?:

Percentage of viewers who will remember sommelier/chef Stephen Asprinio from Season 1: 15%

Minutes before Stephen mentions opening a restaurant in Dubai: 10

Combined number of uses of the phrase “kick everyone’s ass” in the first three episodes:

Number of crushes Angelo will have: at least one

Minutes before Angelo mentions his girlfriend/Russian mail-order bride: 7

Number of trips to the hospital:
At least one, per the second trailer below.

Moments in which we’ll glimpse Spike Mendelsohn without a hat on: 0

Episodes before Spike packs his knives: 2 or 3… we find it intriguing that he was noticeably absent in that Red Hook sighting.

Approximate number of mini-breakdowns Elia will have about being critiqued:

What will Elia shave off this time?: hopefully nothing.

Earlier: The Top Chef: All Stars Crew Filmed at Fairway This Morning [Grub Street]
All Previous Top Chef Coverage [Grub Street]

Who Marcel Will Piss Off This Time, and Other Top Chef: All-Stars