Stop Grinding Steaks Into $20 Burgers, And Other 2011 Food Resolutions

Fancy burgers are so 2010.
Fancy burgers are so 2010. Photo: Wagstaff Worldwide

To close out 2010, Phoenix critic Robert Nadeau offers up a chortle-worthy list of New Years’ resolutions (or should we say, intentions?). Our favorites after the jump.

• Trios: “You serve a trio of somethings, you imagine you have provided the variety of a buffet. Not me. I imagine you actually tasted all three, and decided to serve the two that weren’t as good along with your favorite.” (Agreed. Death always happens in threes. Particularly when precious portions of syrupy-drizzly appetizers that look like a fourth-grade art project gone awry are involved.)

• Television: “Stay off it. Your job is to be in the kitchen making or supervising meals for the paying customers. I see a chef on TV, it’s like you painted a big target on your restaurant — I know you are not minding the store, and the cab company is on speed dial.” (Hear that, Eric Ricupero?)

• Memo to Servers: “Are you still working on that?” is a tip-killer. People are dining out. If you make them think of working, they will think of paychecks and layoffs. (We’d also like to add waiters who tell you what “they” are cooking as specials, as if “they” just emerged from an eight-hour stint behind a hot stove. Oh, and waiters who hunker down at your table to take your order.)

• The Plasma TVs: I’m not asking you to donate them to Goodwill. How about some less annoying content than sound-free talking heads on CNN? (We’d prefer the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills with our meal, thanks.)

• Grinding Steaks into $20 Hamburgers. This is not a form of molecular gastronomy. It’s nuts. (Guess Nadeau won’t be dining at Back Bay Social Club any time soon.)

• Decaf: It’s harder to make than coffee. Caffeine is bitter. Skip the cocaine for an hour and grind up a no-doz, taste, and you’ll see what I mean. So you have to make decaf fresher and stronger than real coffee or it will taste like dishwater. It burns faster than coffee. I order it a lot. You’ve been warned. (Well, this is just impossible. “Skip the cocaine?” How else are we supposed to stay up late enough to witness Twitter incidents like this?)

Nadeau’s Resolutions for Restaurateurs

Stop Grinding Steaks Into $20 Burgers, And Other 2011 Food Resolutions