Booze News

The Case for Four Loko

Four Loko: Elixir of the Gods
Four Loko: Elixir of the Gods Photo: AP

Dude. So today we totally opened the Globe and saw this: Massachusetts wants to make it so you have to get Four Loko at an actual liquor store. And in bottles? Whatever. Dudes, hear us out. Those stores close, like, early. We need to be able to get that stuff late. We could’ve gone to college in Utah if we wanted to put up with this kind of censorship.

Some guy at Harvard, who’s clearly trying to channel Queen Latifah, calls it “badness in a can.” Uh, exactly. Isn’t that the point? Some other old guy in the government thinks someone’s going to “die” from drinking it. It’s called natural selection, broseph. People who can’t handle it are weak.

Here’s why this is a bad idea, guys. First off, history shows that forbidden fruits are always more appealing. Boom. Second, if Four Loko isn’t going to come in a can, how are we supposed to insert it into our classroom cup-holders? If we get, like, tired during class we are going to learn less, obviously. That’s just science.

It’s just, like, can everyone stop being so uncool about this, please?

Four Loko Sales May Be Curbed

Previously: Everyone’s Freaking Out About Four Loko!

The Case for Four Loko