P.Y.T. Opening for the Third Time Tonight

Tommy Up, Tweetfighter
Tommy Up, Tweetfighter Photo: Kirsten Henri

First we were confused by its erratic schedule, then we were entertained by P.Y.T’s Rocky III-themed Twitter smackdown of Stephen Starr’s SquareBurger, and now we’re just exhausted trying to keep up. However! P.Y.T. is opening again tonight! At 5 p.m.! For real! If you’re on Twitter (and we are), Up is offering a free High Life or Kenzinger draft if you retweet his message. When free beer is on the line, we’ll do just about anything, even retweet for Tommy Up. There’s a recession on, people! We’re also publishing his latest insane missive directed at Stephen Starr because, frankly, we’re mesmerized by his marketing prowess.

From the desk of Tommy Up:

“War is a continuation of politics by other means”
- Carl von Clausewitz

It’s hard to say where the war started. If I had to guess, it would be when Stephen Starr smugly proclaimed, ” I can’t get really good pizza here in Philadelphia”. But to lay that bit of blasephmy down as the sole cause would be too simple. I think it all started with the pajamas on servers and the conveyor belts for food.

I remember in high school, there was this wrestler who widely thought to be unbeatable. He was a brute. We all heard the stories of how his parents had flown him to Russia to train with the greatest combatants in the world and that he had won 1000 matches before he was 13. He was an unstoppable force and had dominated the state for years. Until he was stopped and pinned to the mat… by a previously unknown 17 year old child. The child had not believed the stories of this prodigy and he trained for a full year, alone, carrying monster truck tires up and down the stadium stairs with only one simple goal in his mind: I will win.

So Stephen Starr, we say to you, and to your legion of SRO minions all wearing identical black suits and black t-shirts that have been washed one too many times: we are your 17 year old unknown. We make a better burger than you and we will prove it.

Going after your latest venture, Nerdburger- sorry, SQUAREburger- makes the most sense. We are both new and are both focused on the burger. But it has been brought to our attention that the burger there is hardly worthy of a challenge. So we extend with confidence the challenge to any burger in any of your many, many venues. Burger VS Burger. Two burgers enter, one burger leaves. You get the picture.

Ignore this challenge if you will…like you have been ducking me all week ( See Foobooz or Grub Street ), but you can’t duck the truth. I stand here, a simple man, without a conveyor belt or an army of giant buddhas, waiting to beat your burger into the ground. Pun intended.

Tommy Up
P.Y.T. Opening for the Third Time Tonight