Our brother blog over in San Francisco notes with alarm that the new Zagat Dating Guide for L.A. and New York includes suggestions not only on where to start, elevate, or consummate your relationships — it also suggests good places to end the damn thing.
The Zagateers recommend that the deed be done in “comfortable, crowded restaurants where a scene would be less likely,” and double-whammies it with the suggestion that you do it near a train station — so you can make a quick getaway.
With those criteria in mind, if you’re planning to dump your loved one in this pre-Valentine’s Day week, we imagine you can’t do much better than to drop the bomb at any of these selections:
• The Publican — it’s really loud, which will mask the shrieks of “You’re what?! To me?!” Not to mention it’s convenient to multiple El and bus lines.
• Aria — it’s a scant block from the Millennium Park Metra terminal, easy access to all points south. Just be sure to time your breakup with the train schedule, since there’s little more anticlimactic than storming out in a huff and then having to wait thirty-four minutes for the next late-night University Park train.
• Rainforest Cafe — not only are the drinks cheap and potent, but all that stands between you and the Dan Ryan is a valet parking attendant and a 30-second stretch of Ohio Street. Bonus: If things go awry, you can hide amidst the animatronic wildlife.
• Bleeding Heart Bakery — Take your loved one here, ask him or her to read the sign. When you get an uncomprehending stare, cruelly point out that their heart will soon be bloody and broken. Your formerly-loved one can drown their sorrows in frosting, while you go get treatment for your obvious sociopathy.