It’s December, which also means ‘tis the season for everyone to trash-talk fruitcake. We happen to be of the opinion that fruitcake has an undeservedly bad rap. Truly, guys! It can be quite delectable, especially when loaded with rum or brandy and lots of real dried fruit, as opposed to the luridly-colored candied kind.
But, we’re not here to build a defense of fruitcake. Rather, we are here to direct your attention to the most hilariously terrible song in the entire history of holiday songs. (We double-dog dare you to try to outdo us on this one!) And so, without further preamble, “Grandma’s Killer Fruitcake”:
Highlights of this video include, but are certainly not limited to, the following: the very literal reenactments of all of the lyrics, the possum pie, the whole family feast spread, and the very, um, “arty” cinematography.
PS. Bonus: full lyrics after the jump!
The holidays were upon us
And things were going fine
‘til the day I heard the doorbell
And a chill ran up my spine
I grabbed the wife and children
As the postman wheeled it in
A yearly Christmas nightmare
Has just come back again
It was harder than the head of Uncle Bucky
Heavy as the sermon of Preacher Lucky
One’s enough to give the whole state of Kentucky
A great big bellyache!
It was denser than a drove of barnyard turkeys
Tougher than a truckload of all-beef jerky
Drier than a drought in Albuquerque
Grandma’s killer fruitcake!
Now, I’ve had to swallow some marginal fare
At our family feasts
I even downed Aunt Dolly’s possum pie
Just to keep the family peace
I winced at Wilma’s gizzard mousse
But said it tasted fine
But that lethal weapon that Grandma bakes
Is where I draw the line
It’s early Christmas morning and the phone rings us awake
“It’s Grandma, Pa, she wants to know, how did we like the cake?”
“Well, Grandma… I never!… We couldn’t!… Unbelievable, that’s for sure!
What’s that you say? Oh, no, Grandma! Please don’t send us more!”