On his blog, Chef Philip Foss teaches us his failproof technique on the right way to think about mussels. All emphasis added by us, parental discretion advised:
Although borderline on vulgar, I have also used the femininity of mussels to teach young cooks how to understand mussels by relating it back to sexuality – which is surely more prominently fixed on most of their minds. Although I’ll probably receive some flack for this, it is a way to embed a philosophy and most cooks do not forget the lesson. It goes like this:
Pretend that the mussel’s shells are a girl’s legs.
1 - If they are waiting open for you when you approach - Cast them aside.
2 - If you apply heat to them and they just won’t open – Don’t waste your time (of course many good women are worth the wait but humor me for argument’s sake)!
3 – If you apply heat to them and they pop open and the inside is plump and juicy– Bon Appetit my young apprentice!
4 – If you apply heat to them and they pop open but give off a bad & fishy odor – Get away fast, dumb ass!
Of course there is much more to know about mussels – from proper cleaning, proper storage, and quality on arrival – but this has shown to get the point across. I also have another anecdote that associates seasoning food with ass wiping. In this case, I can go on humiliating a cook for about five minutes on why you should never forget either.
The accompanying picture of a dish at Foss’s restaurant, Lockwood, is in fact so pornographic that it made a certain MP editor who will not be named (not us! We are steely) blush so hard that he had to log out of gChat in order to get his composure back. So we’re going to just go ahead and put that image after the jump. This is a family blog, after all.