Are there even words to describe our love for this week’s Time Out Chicago? No. No there are not. But it’s the annual Sex Issue, so your regularly scheduled restaurant reviews and neighborhood round-ups have been replaced with entirely lascivious food matter. Among other things, the proper care and usage of vegetables, vis-a-vis your sex life.
• Heather Shouse is leading the charge in the good fight, helping various food professionals find their soul mates. Highlights: Ina Pinkney of Ina’s is looking for a fast-lane drivin’ Obama supporter with “nice hands.” Gaetano Nardulli, sous at Schwa, undermines his Hottie McHotterton status by having horrible taste in movies (he really liked The Wackness, which made our eyes bleed). Stephanie Izard wants a man “who likes to have a good time and isn’t a chooch” — does anyone know what a “chooch” is? (When we asked around, a MP editor who will not be named said “Is it someone who lives far away? Like, someone she’d have to take a choochoo train to get to? Also I thought she was a lesbian.”) (Oh hey, chooch means jackass.)
• An anonymous author test-drives various edible sexual accouterments, like (ick) cappuccino-flavored lube. Because nothing says “I want you here and now” like a soothing coffee beverage. Best line of the article: “if you’ve always wanted to write a haiku on your boyfriend’s back extolling the virtues of his shlong and then eat the evidence, now you have the perfect tool.” (That’d be referring to the Body Pen, btw. You can thank us later.)
• OKAY PEOPLE. Our new job is this: Kidnap Michael Nagrant and force him to tell us who the chefs are who anonymously divulged some of the most horrifically kinky after-hours-in-the-restaurant story we have ever heard. We don’t even know what we can include on this blog, but rest assured that there is a suckling pig involved. HOLY CRAP.
• David Tamarkin breaks down what’s necessary to recreate some of the most famous food-sex scenes in movie history, from the teenage whipped-cream bikini from Varsity Blues (“Men can forgo the cherries altogether or line them up on their junk so that they resemble “ants on a log.”) to the nebbishy George on Seinfeld has sex, eats a sandwich, and watches TV at the same time, to the fairly weird let’s-make-out-by-passing-a-raw-egg-yolk-back-and-forth-with-our-mouths scene from Tampopo, it’s all covered.
• The world’s most hilarious on-the-street interviews: Jake Malooley assaults passersby with a cucumber, a pineapple, whipped cream, and a glazed donut, and gets them to spill on how they’d use them. We basically cannot find a single line here that we can reprint (except the really depressing, yet stereotypically unsurprising part where the vegan says she doesn’t find food sexy at all, it’s more “utilitarian.”)
• Debby Herbenick tests the waters of asking food-store workers about the sexual application of their products. Lots of melted chocolate and whipped cream here, kids. And for your future dating reference, the employees are entirely accomodating.
• A sex-and-food glossary, including Botulinonia: Sex (and/or masturbation) with sausage. Gross, yet also strikingly appropriate given current meatophilic food trends.
[Photo: no explanation required. via bunchofpants’s Flickr]