In Oakland, there’s a guy named Ivar, an oldies DJ, mechanic, artist, and partner in The Key Printing and Binding.
Most important, though, among Ivar’s many talents, is his non-stop stream of consciousness when it comes to hilariously disastrous concepts. Any conversation with Ivar yields at least a couple ideas so deliberately misguided that you yearn to see them put into action, just so that they will exist in the world, such the seagull that lives in your shirt if you don’t have health-care and pops out to warn you when you’re about to do something dangerous.
A long-time favorite is Ivar’s “Bad Drinks” cocktail list, which includes such hits as a glass of blood with microchips floating in it, a glass of pubic hair with a dollop of chili on top, and a glass of pure water topped with several drops of gasoline.
Coming up with these drink ideas never really left the realm of drunk-talk, until Chow’s James Norton, who we’re pretty sure has never met Ivar, published his own list of “Craptails” in The Ten. The list actually went up a year ago June, but we didn’t see it till just now. It’s on Chow’s front page for some reason. It includes some pretty fantastic bad drinks, such as the Salmon Colada, and now we’re thinking Ivar and James should open a concept bar together. Call it something like “Garbage Water,” and don’t you dare give us a tab. Check out the recipe:
3 ounces light rum
2 cups crushed ice
3 tablespoons pineapple juice
3 tablespoons coconut milk
1 ounce fresh Atlantic salmon
Salmon head, for garnish
Blend all ingredients and garnish with a salmon head.
If anyone at the party starts talking about the importance of Omega-3 fatty acids, merely gesture at your drink and say, “Eh? Eh? That enough for ya?” Later in the evening, give your salmon head a name and have it deliver monologues on the commercialization of independent cinema or why the French Laundry is past its prime.
Craptails: The 10 worst drink concepts of all time [Chow/The Ten]