Ko-thario Pillories the Eldridge by Opening ‘NM-UH’

Matt Levine, designer turned club owner.
Matt Levine, designer turned club owner. Photo: Patrick McMullan

We bring word of exclusive clubs all the time, so we were a little surprised by the barrage of comments —almost 100! — sparked by Jada Yuan’s interview with Matt Levine about the Eldridge. Fair is fair, so we’ve asked Levine to respond to them, but in the meantime, the one and only Craigslist Ko-thario also the creator of the fictitious $12,000 knish, got so riled up that a simple comment wasn’t enough. He sent us a press release, inspired by the Q&A;, for his new club NM-UH. It was a little too raunchy in some places (you don’t want to know what he calls his waitresses, er, chaperones), so we’ve given you an edited version.

Maybe the Lower East Side doesn’t need this kind of venue. Isn’t the appeal of that neighborhood that it’s grimy?
We keep the façade grimy because our patrons, while the upper crust of society, are the kind who can still relate to lower-class people. But we keep it classy at the same time. We have our own signature grime — a blend of Nile River mud, truffle dust, the Colonel’s Secret Recipe, and Karl Lagerfeld’s dandruff flakes. And gold leaf. We sprinkle it liberally around the sidewalk so that those few steps from the limo door to our secret entrance are perfect.

What I don’t get is how it’s going to be that vastly different from anything else out there. You still have bartenders. You’re just calling them something else.
No one else — I mean NO ONE else — has chocolate and fresh fruit. Our classic cocktails are taken to a level no one’s ever experienced before. Like, we make our margaritas with Cointreau, not triple sec. And we put gold leaf in them. And we use very, very expensive liquor. And because it’s so expensive, we water it down with only the finest, purest water — from a secret source in Maine, guarded by a moose.

What’s the capacity?
It’s the size of a city block, only much, much smaller. When you walk in, we have the Jennifer Convertibles banquettes. The entire left wall is our “expensive shit” display. We like our patrons to know right when they enter that they’re somewhere exclusive. At the far end is our rotating collection of almost-celebrities, people who tried and never achieved megastardom but were never quite interesting enough to wind up on reality shows, either.

What are they for?
To drink their blood. This week we have Gretchen Mol.

Will the Smartwater Escalade chauffeur people back to Williamsburg?
What is Williamsburg?

It’s in Brooklyn.
What is Brooklyn? Oh, wait, that’s that place the rapper people are always rapping about. Isn’t that where they lived when they were still poor? Don’t only poor people live there? I don’t think anyone from this “Brooklyn” would be in here.

How do you decide who gets in?
It’s friends and family. As long as those friends and family are famous movie, TV, music, or sports stars. Or very wealthy.

How will they let you know they’re coming?
We have a public line and a private line. Of course, no one from the public line will ever get in. The public line is six blocks away from the club, so no regular people can find out where the club really is. There’s a closed-circuit feed, though, of the public line, that patrons can access through special screens located throughout the club. That way they can point and make fun of the commoners.

Can you drop some names of who we’ll see there?
Well, you’ll never see anyone here, since you’ll never get in. But we’ll be hosting Miley Cyrus’s sweet-sixteen party, and have a special “Down Low” party coming up for a select group of A-listers: Tom Cruise, Becks — I call him “Becks” because I know him personally — and some others I can’t name. Lindsay is a regular, of course. Just last night she was in with Mark Ronson while his sister D.J.-ed, and the three of them ran off to one of our private party rooms. Later one of the Olsen twins joined them.

Which one?
The one who was engaged to Heath Ledger, I think. God, we’ve been trying to get him to come since we opened. He’s SO A-list these days.

Earlier: Matt Levine Won’t Let You Into the Eldridge Unless You’re His Friend
Related: Ko-thario Ends Up ‘Eating Dirty Sex’ on Date
Introducing the $12,000 Caviar, Kobe, Foie, Truffle, Moose-Snout Knish

Ko-thario Pillories the Eldridge by Opening ‘NM-UH’