Last night’s Top Chef delivered all we could hope for in terms of hostility and backbiting, with a rare appearance of a male who could stand up to the gorgon gaze of Lisa. But after an Elimination Challenge in which the cheftestants were asked to cook healthy food for Chicago cops and pretty much failed, Spike, Lisa, and Andrew all went before the judges’ table. Andrew’s resulting ejection was so manifestly unjust that we practically ran to the computer to IM Adam Platt.
Platt: That was a fearsome smackdown of the loathsome Lisa there at the end. You have to give the producers credit for breeding such discontent and hatred among the kitchen slaves.
Platt: Why the noodle-headed Spike survived is, again, a mystery to me. Chicken salad with olives and grapes?!?!
Ozersky: I know! It’s like they’re determined to have the most unjust ejection every week.
Platt: As usual, on this show, only the loathsome, and the truly talented, survive. If the producers are lucky, they’ll get both qualities in one character, à la that feckless midget, Dale.
Ozersky: That’s all right for Dale, but what cause can there be for The Gorgon continuing to haunt me from week to week? Do you really believe someone else burned her rice? That was projection at its most naked.
Platt: The Gorgon survives to haunt us all, my shaggy friend! She is evil incarnate! Pulling that “who turned up my stove and screwed up my already shitty and unredeemable rice dish” was particularly low.
Platt: But who was that giant-size guest judge with all the thumb rings? He looked like he’d just emerged from some alien spacecraft.
Ozersky: That was former cheftestant Sam Talbot. That’s why no one seemed to care what he thought about anything.
Ozersky: By the way? Could the food have been less appetizing-looking? Who the hell watches a show like this to see vegetarian sushi wraps? Get back to real cooking, you nimrods!
Platt: Get back to real cooking, you nimrods!
Ozersky: I would ask you who’s going next, but obviously, this show has lost all sense.
Platt: I say it’s Spike or the Gorgon for the glue factory. But I’ve been saying that for weeks now.