Back of the House

Adam Platt Pities ‘Top Chef’ Judges

One of these men is destined for the glue factory. Actually, both.
One of these men is destined for the glue factory. Actually, both. Photo: Courtesy of Bravo

Last night’s Top Chef might have set an all-time low for bad cooking and obnoxious cheftestants — a combination that amounted to a very entertaining hour of television. After Richard won a taco quick-fire challenge, the rivals were split into two groups and told to cook a block party in an unnamed Chicago neighborhood. The results were predictably disastrous, including dried-out macaroni and cheese, mushy corn dogs, and repellent post-meal celebrations by what turned out to be the losing team. Adam Platt was nearly as appalled as we were when we compared notes afterward.

Ozersky: Seriously? I’m sorry they couldn’t all be eliminated.

Platt: I’m with you, Cutty! It was a one of the great joke reality episodes of all-time. Those tacos they cooked looked like roadkill. Then we got to listen as Padma uttered the immortal words, “Did you really think that was a successful corn dog?”

Ozersky: I want that as my new ringtone.

Ozersky: I so detest all these cheftestants I can hardly express it. They’re all so smug. All their boasting and preening… Feh!

Platt: Feh!

Ozersky: I also thought the challenge was manifestly fake. Who has two ten-pound bricks of Velveeta lying around the house?

Ozersky: That’s like a pantry having 200 boxes of Glad bags.

Platt: As I predicted, poor Erik was led off to the glue factory. The minute the word “corn dog” was uttered, his fate was sealed.

Platt: Erik was doomed. But Nikki of the queer hats is obviously the next one for the trash heap of failed cheftestants.

Ozersky: I would think so…speaking of hats, I really want Spike out, and soon. Every second I see him with his hat raffishly askew, I want him destroyed. Meanwhile, you know what? I’m liking Andrew more and more. I like how he was ready to pull an R. Bud Dwyer if he got ejected.

Platt: Andrew’s willing to take risks. I get the feeling a lot of them are being too shy, and going along with the flow. The Buddakan guy, for instance.

Ozersky: The Buddakan guy then always bitches and dogs everybody else for not being as good as him.

Platt: It’s the judges I’m growing weary of, Cutty. I sense they’re growing weary of themselves ….

Ozersky: Nah, they really enjoy having their power! When the chefs protested, “We thought we kicked ass,” and Padma laid it on them, “Well, you didn’t,” it was like, “We are not amused.” And when Tom was in the kitchen he practically laughed in Erik’s face when he said he was cooking his corn dogs with his heart.

Platt: Colicchio looks like he’s sick of them all. He wants to cast them down from Olympus to fry in bad-chef hell.

Ozersky: And I do, too.

Related: Grub Street’s complete coverage of Top Chef.

Block Party