We got a confounding series of reviews yesterday afternoon and evening that we feel compelled to share, even though the world will be a lesser place as a result. They are funny in the abstract, but the sick thing is, real people actually take the time to write this stuff! Here’s what happened (alias | title | time, and obviously without the restaurant name):
1) dogfarts | 666 | 16:09
tastes like pigpiss
We haven’t heard from the pig piss guy since December, when he posted three reviews that were all in this vein. We’re glad he’s okay; we get worried! Breaking past habits, he gave this restaurant 5/5/5/5.
2) MCLOVIN | U SUCK ASS | 17:57
WELL I ORDERD A PIZZA LIKE 2HRS AGO BUT THE F*CKIN THING NEVER GOT HEAR AND NOW IM EATING IT AND ITS SUPPER COLD AND IT SMELLS LIKE ROTTEN CHEEZ AND ASS!!!!
Wait a sec! If the pizza never got there, how could MCLOVIN have subsequently eaten it? Really, we expect these storylines to hold up to a bit more scrutiny than that!
3) missmonster | Wow, so horrible. | 20:48
Don’t bother. Not only did it take an hour and a half to get our food ( i had to call in to see where it was), I caught the delivery man looking through our mail when i came back downstairs after grabbing a pen to sign the receipt. Creep! Half of our food was cold, my curry chicken tasted like dirty water and consisted mostly of onions….. though the sushi was decent.
They overcharged for delivery service but when i called to ask they said we were outside the delivery range and that’s why they charged us twice for delivery. No mention of this “standard policy” when i placed the order. Usually places tell you these things. The teenager on the phone couldn’t give less of a s*** about it and had this nasal, aloof tone that made me want to reach through the phone and throttle him. I knew i should have ordered from [REDACTED] on Diversey. [REDACTED] is cool.
This one is halfway reasonable, but not halfway enough for inclusion on the site. We also think delivery fees are stupid (most other cities don’t charge for delivery), but it enables huge delivery areas. This is what happens when you test the limit on a frigid night, though. And honestly, if the food comes cold, you can heat it up. “missmonster” is a great user alias, though.
So yeah, a lot of hate. There were seven reviews total yesterday, and not a single one passed the validity test. Let’s get it together, people!