If you’re a female bloated, constipated, uncreative, agitated, insomniac who isn’t coping well with change, then we’ve got the water for you. Or maybe you’re an uneasy traveler, afraid of flying, wary of new environments, and sunburned. There’s water for you, too! Perhaps your work is costing you sleep, focus, regular bowel movements, and a shiny coat. Drink the water! Grub Street received three such cure-alls in bullet-shaped bottles all the way from Australia. (Sadly, they sent us no remedy for our dull, backed-up, out-of-focus children.) Balance water uses “infused flower essences” (colorless! Tasteless!) to transmit the power of remote Australian flowers into pedestrian American water. And all for a suggested retail price of $2.29 a liter! That kind of pricing might play Down Under, but here we pay premium for such promises. —Aileen Gallagher
This water will make you a better person.