Review-Cum-Existential Crisis: ‘We’ll Never Escape’

This review for a North Side Mediterranean mini-chain could probably go on the site, but it’s sort of too funny and deep for that. So instead, we’re presenting it to you in this venue, in redacted format to protect the accused. The review is entitled “For the love of God”:

I tried it. I even tried a fourth time, and it sucked harder with each visit. The food is astoundingly bland, and they send out mountains of it on plates are the size of serving platters. This would be wondrous if the food was tasty. The drinks are gross too, so you can’t even drink away the suck. The worst part of all? Everyone loves this place and orders from it constantly. They also have two locations. We’ll never escape.

What makes this so fascinating is that, for the reviewer, the lousiness of the food and beverages at this restaurant is seemingly of secondary concern compared to the existential problem - that the restaurant is inexplicably, bafflingly, universally liked. The reviewer feels trapped in a world that has completely different values from her own, and she doesn’t know how to reconcile her convictions with prevailing public opinion. She wonders how she’s become so alienated from her peers, and if she’ll ever be comfortable with her station in society.

But to her we say, cheer up! For one thing, it is only food, even if food is a powerful metaphor for life. Furthermore, we’re so culturally and intellectually fragmented as a society that even if the majority disagrees with you, there will always be a subgroup with which you can feel comfortable and accepted. (In this case, that subgroup would be foodies.) So instead of bemoaning your isolation from the mainstream, revel in your elitism and erudition and take bemused pity on everyone else. Rise above, because bitterness never got anyone anywhere!


Review-Cum-Existential Crisis: ‘We’ll Never Escape’