First, the mashups, both involving steak:
• Out of Philly, because no other city on Earth could produce such an item, comes the cheesesteak eggroll. This is a normal eggroll shell, with its fried goodness, containing cheesesteak ingredients. In lieu of duck sauce, you get cheese whiz. Fact: if you mix duck sauce and baking soda in a blender at high speed, cheese whiz will result!
• From Boston, although this could have come from somewhere else but it didn’t, is a watermelon steak. It’s worth clicking through to see the photo, because it took us a while to figure out whether “watermelon” or “steak” deserves the scare quotes. Yeah, we’re totally not going to tell you which it is!
And now the trashups, neither of which involve steak:
• In South Beach, this horrible scenestaurant is installing a twenty-foot Buddha on premises! Too bad the big B isn’t the fire and brimstone type, because surely, this is a case that calls for divine retribution. Watch those hurricanes, South Beachers!
• A San Francisco restaurant was torn asunder by the Chinese mafia (or three guys pretending to be part of the Chinese mafia), evidently because the restaurateur refused to pay extortion fees. Wait, if these people are non-state actors trying to usurp the government’s monopolies on violence and tax collection, doesn’t that make them terrorists? Where is Homeland Security when you need it!
p.s. We just realized that every single one of those ended in an exclamation point. We’ll work on that. (!)