Late last night, we received two brilliant - but unusable - reviews from “Anand”. Unusable, that is, for the site; for the blog, it’s party time. We don’t believe these to be accurate assessments of the restaurants, but they are thoroughly enjoyable anyway. The names have been removed to protect the innocent (from Google), but we will give you hints.
The first one is for a popular Indian restaurant in River North, and comes with recommendations for improvement directed toward the management:
This is one of the best indian restaurants in chicago, but that is not saying much! *******’s alright, it has good butter chicken, sag paneer, and the chef’s special and navarattan curry are good, but it’s still the same shit you can get at any other half-decent Indian joint. All the indian restaurants in Chicago pretty much taste the same. ******* management, read this: You aren’t doing a great job…., hire a good chef, put something original on the menu, not the same s*** you can find in any indian restaurant. A great restaurant in Defense Colony, New Delhi, called Swagath, BLOWS AWAY ANY CHICAGO JOINT AND MAKES ******* TASTE LIKE MANURE.
*******, get a clue, find a way to introduce new and exciting flavors. learn from SWAGATH, go to India, if you have to, but learn about cuisine that makes what you serve taste like malfeasance.
Note that we also had to censor a swear, although we like Anand’s use of “malfeasance” to conjure those other words he employed earlier in the review.
The second review is for a tremendously famous mole-gas restaurant in Lincoln Park. We want to again point out that we don’t endorse the review, but it made us laugh, and we hope you have similar results:
My friend is a an obese, bi-polar, manic depressive with schizo-affective disorder and sleep apnoea. He actually fell asleep in the middle of our 12 course meal. Though he could barely manage to retain interested while he went through an untimely depressive episode during dinner, I eagerly anticipated each wine and food pairing. I wish I could say that he missed an amazing dining experience, but I can’t. I’m glad I tried ******, but couldn’t help thinking afterwards that this place was a bit overpriced and overrated.
The grammar, spelling, substance and sensitivity of this review need a lot of work, but what an intro! Thank you, Anand, for brightening everyone’s day.