"If Wheaties is the breakfast of champions, then Cool Ranch Doritos are my brunch of shame."
"My assistant packed some Cheerios and Froot Loops in my backpack. I discover this with a mixture of awe and deep gratitude."
"I ate the massive sandwich — the equivalent of four sandwiches — in three minutes."
"Apple-pie filling is in the middle, like guacamole."
"Then I went to Minetta Tavern for Scotch and a chocolate souffle."
"My death-row meal would be just all different kinds of potato chips."
"Eating great food with friends is such a happy part of life."
"I prefer fresh bread because I know it hasn't been fondled."
"I won't have a week the rest of the year that will be like this past week."
"I forgot that there were animals hanging on the wall and that made me sad. I tried not to look."
"Sundays are the days we completely Jew-out ..."
"My mom raised to me to think that it's bad luck not to have at least one bite of someone's birthday cake."
"Adding mascarpone is like adding bacon to something: You just know it's going to be good."
"I ate all of the cheese."
"My breakfast was a fried egg and avocado with Finnish rye bread, which is vastly superior to any other kind of rye bread."
"I drank too much the night before and I felt like troglodytes were jackhammering my eyeballs from the inside."
"... and now you know my dirty secret of enjoying really fruity cocktails."
"I had a cigar to finish. Then some more peanut M&M's."
"I am a sucker for strange packaged food products, and Jif just began manufacturing peanut-butter whip, which is like whipped cream cheese but peanut butter."
"The guy knows me: He's pulling the cart off his SUV when I show up."