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“If collards are the new kale, I’m all for it!”
“Hugh enters the kitchen doing his best Michael Ian Black imitation.”
“Sheldon plays a ukulele, which is like a ‘starter’ for people who can’t get their act together and learn guitar. “
“Lizzie is adding bacon to her iceberg lettuce. She’s also adding anchovies, which are a type of sea creature. According to my calculations, this means her dish will be salty.”
“Our gang walks into the kitchen and sees a bunch of fish and sea creatures lying on a bed of ice. Is it a mafia-style warning?”
If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that raw fish doesn’t look good on TV. But Emeril, who can’t see the dish on TV, loves it.
This, week, the gang encounters Wolfgang Puck, and their worst fears.
“The winning dish will, in turn, inspire a new Healthy Choice ‘Café Steamer,’ which sounds like a sex act from a French frat house. “
This week, the chefs go to a Roller Derby match and watch the women slam into each other and use bad language.
“The chefs drive to an old property called Remlinger Farms. It looks poverty-stricken and dilapidated, like a meth lab with cows.”
“Stefan and Kristin flirt. Somebody burns a spatula handle. Paul McCartney sings with Nirvana, or so Twitter tells me.”
“I thought Seattle artisans would be young and skinny-jeaned. Am I guilty of artisan-profiling?”
“They are reincarnating old dishes! This is going to be a GHOST DINNER FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE.”
Oh, and it’s Thanksgiving in Top Chef world.
The teams must prepare their dishes before the Space Needle completes a full rotation. It’s like something out of Dr. No.
Top Chef continues to represent an upper-middlebrow trashy sensibility that purees accessibility, celebrity, and actual talent in a back-stabbery broth of semi-sophistication.
“The chefs toast their amazing journey and that’s that: ‘Around the World in 80 Plates’ concludes its first and only season. Yeah, I’m calling it.”
“Did you know there’s a very particular way one should attach a goat carcass to an iron cross before cooking it by an open fire? I didn’t — maybe because I’m not an Argentinian Satan-worshipper?”
“I can feel them judging me as I grind more pizza into my snark-hole while wearing my second-cleanest pair of pleated khaki shorts.”
“Would Curtis Stone enjoy humiliating me? Would I enjoy being humiliated by Curtis Stone?”