To remind enemies in the West that Russia is literally the place their delicious, but completely “illegal” Camembert, Nutella, and Mediterranean olives go to die, Vladimir Putin has unveiled a harsh decree: All Western food his goons find will now be destroyed, apparently by flame when possible.
Footage so far involves a lot of bulldozing, suggesting incinerators may be in short supply. Here’s video of what RT — most days of the year, Moscow’s propaganda arm — has taken to calling a “fromagicide”:
It’s a proud moment for Putin regardless. One reporter got invited to stand disconcertingly close to an active bulldozer and pretend to be excited:
It supposedly took an hour to crush around ten metric tons of bright orange-wrapped cheese by dumping it in a wasteland and slowly plowing it over countless times. Boxes arrived from Ukraine unmarked, but authorities at the food-safety agency, Rosselkhoznadzor, feel pretty strongly that it’s “possible” the cheese was produced in one of the countries that fall under the sanctions. (Better safe than sorry.) In another part of the country, five truckloads of definitely-not-Russian tomatoes and stone fruit got smashed with a tractor as well. The plan for the gourmet cheese is just to bury it in the ground.
So far, nearly 300,000 Russians have signed a Change.org petition pleading that the seized food be donated to anybody — orphanages run by pro-Russia separatists groups in Ukraine, if need be.
Agents at Rosselkhoznadzor warn that any wise guys who opt to “destroy” food by crushing it with their teeth and mercilessly dissolving it with stomach acid will face criminal charges.