You read it here first: Cinnabon’s pizza permutation, the Pizzabon, will never, ever expand beyond the grim reaches of Atlanta’s Cumberland Mall. A reviewer at Serious Eats offers an in-depth review of this savory-sweet-greasy creation (hopefully this guy has health insurance), and we’ve done a detailed read to draw a conclusion that Cinnabon’s marketing experts shouldn’t ignore: Stop production immediately!
1. It costs $2.99, but it’s the size of a mini-muffin. Fast-food economics 101: People buy pizza because it’s cheap. (Even the most shingle-icious slice of hangover pizza rarely costs more than $3.) People who frequent food courts are looking for a bargain. So why would anyone shell out for a tiny, sauce-filled nugget? Novelty, perhaps. But the novelty will wear off soon enough.
2. Grease. One thing that won’t wear off: The grease that will wash through your innards after just one bite. “I was surprised at how much cheese and grease was soaking the bottoms of these buns,” Serious Eats notes. Shouldn’t the ample dough absorb the grease? Is it sweating or something? Fast-food rule number one: Americans love fat, but they hate grease.
3. No variety. If there’s one thing going for food-court fare, it’s diversity. There’s really no end to the hybrid creations of caloric doom that one can cobble together at places like Taco Bell and Burger King. Yet the Pizzabon contains just one lonesome filling: pepperoni.
4. It’s unwieldy. Just look at this thing. Do you stab it with a knife and fork? Or do you pop it into your pie hole in one Godzilla bite, just waiting for oceans of processed cheese to cascade from your maw like an oozing sore?
5. It’s divisive. As far as snacking goes, people tend to fall into one of two camps: sweet or savory. The Pizzabon tries to be all things to everyone: a little bit gooey, a little bit spicy. It is a bisexual snack food. Ultimately, though, people will just get fed up and revert to what feels most comfortable.
6. It’s injected with a “tomato-based sauce.” Mysterious! The .2 percent of Cinnabon patrons who actually care about nutrition will possibly be outraged.
7. We could make it at home. Part of the joy of fast-food fare is knowing that there’s really no way that you could ever whip up a Doritos-encased taco with lava sauce in the privacy of your own sad-ass kitchen. But, as Serious Eats points out, this dough-sauce-cheese thing is something your mom would’ve warmed up for your first slumber party. Where’s the thrill?
8. It’s damn ugly. As Chick-fil-A officials might tell you, some things just aren’t destined to mate. This Pizzabon resembles an acne-ridden hockey puck. It doesn’t even look appetizing in that “Omigod I will so die after ingesting this, but it will be a beautiful death” way.
9. The demographics are all wrong. Cinnabon will market test it on Saturday at a food court, with handouts from 11 a.m. until 2 p.m. But who, exactly, would ever think that buying such a creation is a good idea? Stoners! Drunk people! Nocturnal wastrels! People who are ravenously hungry and not in their right minds at 1 a.m.! Not a person who’s trotting through a mall in broad daylight, fully visible to the rest of humanity.
10. It could kill you. Surely there’s a reason that Cinnabon has yet to release this monstrosity’s calorie count.