Not even the long weekend could stop last week's madness, which included: pant lobsters, Schweddy Balls come to life, and the world's heaviest mom transitioning into becoming the world's less-heavy mom. And, lo, the world keeps turning, which means the craziness keeps happening, which means the weekly James Weird Awards are straight ahead.
• To get coeds pumped about the upcoming school year, University of Masschusetts Amherst threw the largest stir-fry the world's ever seen, requiring the use of 800 pounds of chicken and about 50 pounds of canola oil. The Minutemen have a knack for outsize orientations: Last fall, the school developed the world's longest California Roll. [WP]
• Taiwan was momentarily on high alert when a bomb squad discovered a mysterious package in a subway station restroom that turned out to be a "bright blue cardboard box full of mooncakes." Said a local police chief on the case, "Someone must have put it down to use the toilet and forgotten it when they left." [Reuters]
• Do you love grilled cheese but think they'd be better with your face on them? The dairy company Tillamook is letting you do just that with a new Facebook app that can "grill" someone's — anyone's — likeness onto the sandwich. Let the cheese-pun variations on your name begin! [HuffPo]
• Another week, another restaurant serving booze to toddlers: This time it's a Cincinnatti-area Outback Steakhouse, where a 4-year-old girl was served a "slushy alcoholic drink" containing peach schnapps and vodka. [San Jose Mercury News]
• A man in England has been banned from every single McDonald's in the U.K. after having rammed his car into one in South Wales. He had reportedly consumed eight pints of lager at that point. [MyFoxNY]
• An Applebee's employee in Washington got into a tussle with the comfort-food chain over a clause in his contract prohibiting him from making negative comments about the restaurant on Facebook. Maybe he should consider Twitter? [Herald Sun]