Ashamed of Your Drinking? Have Kids!

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I learned it from you, Mom!
I learned it from you, Mom! Photo: iStockphoto

The Huffington Post has come out with news we’ve known since we first detected the acrid whiff of Chardonnay on mom’s breath after soccer practice: Mothers need to drink, dammit. Thankfully, per HuffPo, actual wine marketers are finally catching on!

In essence, the way to play into frenzied mothers’ need — no, right — to imbibe is by calling them “mommies” and reminding them how much their lives suck. Because, you see, once a woman pops out a child or two, she becomes a sniveling, sleep-deprived wreck who needs to be coaxed toward the bottle like a toddler.

“MommyJuice’s label shows a Buddha-like woman juggling a teddy bear, a house and a computer. Mommy’s Time Out, which features an empty chair facing a corner, wine bottle in reach, reads, ‘You Deserve a Break … ’” notes HuffPo. The piece also notes that both wines cost under $10 a bottle. Hey, it’s cheaper than taking the rugrats to Applebee’s and hoping a waiter slips ‘em some booze!

Oh, and lest you envision an armada of minivans commandeered by buzzed mothers, rest assured that companies are being really responsible about things. “It says clearly on the label to put your kids to bed before you have a glass,” a MommyJuice rep explains.

Edgy moms have a corner on the market, though, too: There’s wine packaged in perfume bottles, for the mom who wants to smell like a wino, and a tasty offering called “Bitch,” perhaps for the hipster mom who really didn’t mean for things to turn out this way at all.

Kind of funny, right? We spend most of our lives listening to warnings about alcohol being, oh, bad for you. Yet along comes a tipsy teddy bear to tell us that it’s perfectly okay! “Wine has been used to relax and unwind, and no one deserves that more than a mom. Sit down with toddlers for a few days and you’ll get it,” HuffPo quotes one MommyJuice spokesperson as saying.

Oh, we get it. Next on the market: Daddy’s a Drunken Asshole!

Wine Increasingly Marketed to Moms [HuffPo]

Ashamed of Your Drinking? Have Kids!