Boston Mayor to City: Get Your Coke Elsewhere

Would actually rather you didn't do the Dew.
Would actually rather you didn't do the Dew. Photo: Dan4th/Flickr

We get the ban on Four Loko. The alluring combination of massive amounts of caffeine and alcohol makes people do crazy things. But sugary drinks? They keep us happy, energized, and sane! Boston Mayor Menino doesn’t care. The normally good-time fellow, who’s thrown his weight behind food trucks and ballpark cocktails, has banned sugar-sweetened drinks from all city schools, properties, vending machines, concession stands, and even city-run meetings. Which means dealing with RMV workers will be even more pleasant now!

Basically, he just wants to keep his fellow citizens from morphing into giant tubs of goo. According to a story in the Boston Globe, “The mayor, who has battled weight issues, said that too many Bostonians are overweight or obese and that he wants to make healthy choices easy for them.” Nothing takes those pesky pounds off like intense sugar withdrawal and ballpark cosmos!

It’s a firm stance for a city that recently discovered old food in its school cafeterias. Apparently, while hoary taco meat might be okay, Mountain Dew is evil. Officials have gone so far as to label beverages similarly to terrorist threats: “Red” beverages, like non-diet sodas and energy drinks, must get the heave-ho in six months. “Yellow” drinks like low-cal sports drinks are acceptable; so are “green” beverages like … water.

Barbara Ferrer, executive director of the Boston Public Health Commission, says the new city policy will “boost worker productivity.” Yeah, we kind of doubt it. On the other hand, perhaps this is an excuse to just drink more booze!

Menino Expands Sugary Drink Ban

Boston Mayor to City: Get Your Coke Elsewhere