Ladies and gentlemen, this evening finds your correspondent despondent: I have come down with a massive head cold. This means I wasnt able to try out all my exciting Kale City recipes in solidarity with the ANGR contestants. Dont worry, though I fully intend to try out my signature dishes on friends later this season.
We are told that in the restaurant business, color scheme and environment are important. To that end, a real-life graphic designer (!) will work with our contestants to design a restaurant pod that reflects their concept. (A pod is like a food stand, I think.)
Alex (Revolution Tacos) announces: My whole concept is about being cool, rock and roll, and being sexy. Has he been stealing lines from my diary again?! His aesthetic is rock-and-roll luxury gothic, which makes sense when you dont think about it.
Greg and Krystal (GrillBillies) want to play with the idea of the American redneck in their menu design, and sure enough, the graphic designer makes a mullet joke. I blow my nose in protest the handkerchief feels five pounds heavier by the time Im done.
Eric (Meltworks) has already hired architects to design his interior. (Remember, hes been working on his idea for like twenty years, laboring under cover of night.) Joey (Saucy Balls) wants exposed brick, which is a hot look. Stephenie, shaken from last weeks drubbing, has overhauled her concept. Compleat is now called Harvest Sol (with a pretentious bar over the o); it will feature Mediterranean flavors, North African spices, and all the great calories youve come to count on.
The gang buys fixtures and furniture while I sneeze and cough like a dying horse.
FIRST COMMERCIAL BREAK:
Earlier in the week I made a mung-bean-and-kale soup that was nutritious and delicious. I wonder if I should add it to the Kale City menu?
BACK FROM COMMERCIAL:
Were knee-deep in the construction of restaurant pods. We hear the merry song of hammers and drills, hard at work. Sandy (Saints and Sinners) is amazed at how funky the carpenters look; she mentions one carpenter who looks like Lyle Lovett, and we cut to a carpenter who looks like Chris Isaac, wearing a three-piece suit (?) he must be the guy shes talking about.
Dont you love it on reality shows when some incidental person shows up wearing some insane outfit and its almost like theyre having their own tiny reality show inside the main reality show? Thats what this carpenter is doing, rocking his suit and his razor-sharp sideburns and his immutable pompadour. Who is this mystery man? Whats the name of his rockabilly band? We will never know.
Joey articulates his goal: I need to do my best to help the investors understand what my restaurant looks like. Sometimes Joey displays a clarity of intention that I find oddly inspirational.
Suddenly were back in the kitchen as the contestants work with their chefs to develop a tasting menu for their pods debut. Were treated to some lingering shots of Anolon cookie sheets. My, but they look beautiful. Ladies and gentlemen, Anolon has truly raised the bar on cookie sheets. Forget everything you ever thought about cookie sheets, because Anolon has changed the cookie-sheet game forever. Anolon: For the demon inside you. (Free motto I just developed for Anolon.)
Joey surveys the meatballs hes arranged on his Anolon cookie sheets and literally says: Every ball that youre looking at is my heart, my soul, and my love. Joey has an intense relationship to his meatballs, which I guess is because they remind him of his grandmother. Still, I dont think Id be comfortable eating the food of a chef whos so emotionally invested in it. My dream chef would say, Yeah, its rice and beans. Take it or leave it, I dont really give a fuck.
Sudhir (Spice Coast, formerly Tiffin Box) rocks a Cuisinart (a big French blender) and uses the word distraught, which further endears him to me. Is there anything this man cant do? Could he cure my head cold by simply laying his hands on my forehead? My favorite movie of all time is Pather Panchali by the great Indian director Satyajit Ray; I wonder if Sudhir likes that movie? I shall send him a secret message using my inflamed sinuses.
Bobby Flay wants to see sauces at Meltworks. But Eric doesnt want to defile his precious grilled-cheese sandwiches with dipping sauce. I dunno, Eric I think you should listen to Bobby Flay. Hes famous.
Joeys chef brings GrillBillies chef a meatball to sample. Somebody mutters that its basically bread crumbs and egg and milk. It seems the other contestants dont share Joeys abiding love for Saucy Balls. Back in the contestants barracks, the anti-Joey pile-on continues as people make fun of Joeys accent. Alex gets a dig in: Joeys sauce tastes like Prego. (Prego is a supermarket spaghetti sauce that I guess doesnt taste very good? It always tasted fine to me.) Alex deploys the ANGR lingua franca and derides Saucy Balls for being a lame concept. I dislodge a quarter-pound of phlegm in protest.
SECOND COMMERCIAL BREAK:
When I cough it sounds like a suit of armor falling apart.
BACK FROM COMMERCIAL:
The day of the investor test has arrived. The contestants pods are complete, with logos and menus displayed in glorious full color. Seeing all these unique restaurant visions in pod form reminds me of Wordsworth:
Not in entire forgetfulness,
And not in utter nakedness,
But trailing clouds of glory do we come
From God, who is our home:
Heaven lies about us in our infancy!
All hail the pods!
Sudhir compares the excitement of witnessing a completed restaurant pod to a father seeing his son for the first time, which seems a bit much, unless your son is a pod person.
Sandy is gracious, saying how much she likes everybodys pods, and I realize how rarely we hear the contestants compliment each other. This melancholia is fleeting, however, as everybody is in an ecstasy about how awesome their pods look. (My notes: People are stoked for their pods!) Im excited, too, because Im realizing the word pod is going to be repeated ad infinitum, like the word concept last week. I flirt with the idea of doing a shot of Robotussin every time somebody says pod. (Has a reality-show recap ever been chopped and screwed?)
We are treated to some final, frenetic shots of food preparation. Theres also a shot of some fine Anolon knives sitting in their knife block, and just from the look of the handles, its clear that Anolon makes the best knives in the world and all other knife-makers should jump in a lake.
The pod area is swarmed with 300 people. The crowd is declared to include foodies and bloggers, two specimens of humanity our ancestors couldnt have imagined in their wildest nightmares. Bobby Flay welcomes the assembled diners. Lorena talks about how her restaurant is an extension of herself. Curtis Stone wears a vest. He looks really good. Bobby Flay announces that since this weeks challenge was all about creating a unique pod, theyve brought in a special celebrity judge: The vivacious Norman Podhoretz! (Joke.)
Game on. Lorena and Curtis visit Stephenies pod, Harvest Sol. Lorena likes the food: The asparagus is amazing. Praise is also heaped upon the colors Stephenie has chosen for her menu. In the words of Curtis Stone: Your menus color scheme has finally helped me learn what it feels like to have an erection in my penis. (Joke.) Lorena is loving Stephenie: I love it (i.e., Stephenies concept). She moved forward in a great direction. Stephenie is relieved. Shes going to win this show; I just know it.
Bobby Flay and Steve "Dr. Chipotle" Ells visit Sudhirs pod. Sudhir serves Madras lamb on naan. Steve Ells wants Sudhir to serve the naan folded up like a taco so its easier to eat.
Now something very interesting happens. I actually think this is the most interesting thing that has happened on ANGR so far:
Curtis Stone thinks Sudhirs naan situation is a travesty. But when Sudhir mentions Steve Ells suggestion regarding using the naan as a taco shell, Curtis Stone gets even angrier: That would be a real mistake. Curtis gets intense with Sudhir: Listen to me. This is your concept if you believe in something, make it happen The moment is charged, almost menacing. The judges have radically different ideas about how best to utlitize naan in a fast-casual environment! I love it!
THIRD COMMERCIAL BREAK:
What is the adjectival form of mucus? Mucal? I need to know in order to describe my reality.
BACK FROM COMMERCIAL:
Bobby Flay thinks its incredibly exciting to see the contestants in their pods. I wonder if he likes that scene in The Matrix when Keanu Reeves wakes up in a pod, covered in goo and surrounded by thousands of other pods? I bet Bobby Flay watches that scene over and over, murmuring, Pods pods I love seeing people in pods I must host a reality show so I can trick people into living in pods hail Xenu!
Steve Ells likes the look of GrillBillies menu. They serve boneless chicken with chipotle sauce and pickled salad. Bobby Flay thinks GrillBillies did a great job communicating their brand. You see, the key was switching from barbecue to grilling; that really helped them isolate and focus their concept vector into a level-3 omega brand sequence.
Curtis Stone is over at Sinners and Saints, eating Sandys guacamole with bacon. Sandy looks wary, but Curtis is loving it. He seems rejuvenated, the naan-troversy long forgotten. Behold the healing power of food.
Steve Ells likes the exposed brick in Revolution Tacos pod; not content to take the compliment, Alex admits that he wanted the walls to be covered in graffiti. Steve Ells is in a witty mood, so he suggests that Alex leave the doors unlocked at night, at which point graffiti artists will gain entry and defile the walls. Alexs taco features plantains. Why? Alex says its because hed been hearing from diners about allergy issues and gluten issues, and plantains dont cause allergies (?). Steve Ells looks Alex dead in the eye and says, Well, Im allergic to plantains. Alex is aghast, but guess what? Steve Ells was joking! Congratulations, Alex, youve just been Chipotled! Goddamn, once Steve Ells starts cracking wise, no one is safe. Youd better hide your kids and hide your wives, because hes raping everybody out here, or however that song goes.
Bobby Flay and Steve Ells visit the Meltworks podstaraunt. Eric shows them a drawing of what hed like the interior of his restaurant to look like. Steve Ells just about has a conniption fit because it looks so similar to the inside of a Chipotle you know, that incredibly unique restaurant interior the likes of which youve never seen before because its so radically original? Bobby Flay finally puts his finger on whats been bothering him about Meltworks fare: Its not grilled cheese, its panini with some cheese on it. This revelation lands with the blow of 1,000 hammers; I almost cough up my own eyes. Also, Steve Ells wants to see those dipping sauces. Where are the dipping sauces, Eric? Where the fuck are the dipping sauces? (Say this like DAngelo Barksdale asking Stringer Bell Where the fuck is Wallace? in that immortal scene from The Wire and youll have a nice chuckle.)
FOURTH COMMERCIAL BREAK:
Yes, Mom, Im drinking plenty of fluids!
BACK FROM COMMERCIAL:
A man in a crazy wicker cowboy hat thinks Jamawns food is spectacular. The judges disagree: Jamawns chicken batter is underseasoned. Jamawn looks sad. Bobby Flay thinks Soul Daddys menu is too crazy, because its in a circle. Mind you, the text isnt in a circle. Its just that the border is circular. Is this really such a big deal?
We hear the strains of Italian music in background it must be time to visit the Saucy Balls pod. To my untrained eye, the menu looks really bad: Sans serif fonts with a lime-green background? How does this say home-style cooking? Lorena seconds my opinion: The menu is confusing and tacky. Curtis Stone is worried the food will be too heavy and garlicky for people who just want to grab a quick lunch before an afternoon of business meetings in which they plot the further ruin of the working class. In a cutaway, Joey compares the show to a martial-arts tournament, with attacks coming from every angle, and says, Today I got beat up. It happens to the best of us.
The contestants are called before the judges. All the diners were asked to deposit a silver coin in the box of their favorite pod. And the pod with the most coins is ... Spice Coast! Sudhir is crowned Lord of the Pod People!
Stephenie, Jamawn, Sandy, Greg, and Krystal are all safe. Greg just about has an orgasm when he hears the news he and Krystal had been screwing up royally during the last couple of episodes, so they feel the exhilaration that comes from skirting death.
Alex, Eric, and Joey are the three lowest contestants, the scum of the earth. The judges waste no time in announcing: We have a problem with each one of your concepts.
Alex is up first. Curtis Stone glares at him: What can you do to step up your existing concept? Oh boy, the concept talk is about to begin! Dr. Chipotle is upset that Alexs pod didnt tell him what the concept is. Concept and pod in the same sentence? This must be just like living in paradise! Bobby Flay weighs in: I think the concept needs to be more focused. And then Lorena says, The concept itself is a pod in which larval concepts grow until they can infect our pod-world, and my brain explodes all over the room. (Joke, alas.)
Eric tries spinning his customers feedback. He says to the judges, I welcome the chance to have dialogue with you, which sounds like a robot hitting on a woman. Eric, newly oleaginous in his anxiety, says he loves Bobby Flays idea of providing signature sauces for his sandwiches. Yeah, right! If Eric loves signature sauces so much, why werent they featured in his pod? (My notes: Bobby feels betrayed by the lack of dipping sauces.) Too little, too late, Eric. Curtis Stone really sticks the knife in: Ive got a massive problem with the fact that youve been working on this for three years and you cant put a decent grilled cheese in front of us. Zing! Curtis Stones rage is incandescent: We ask (Eric) to improve and he cant!
FIFTH COMMERCIAL BREAK:
I was at the grocery store earlier this week. Heres what happened:
CASHIER: What is this, kale?
ME: Yes, maam.
CASHIER: Oh, you fancy chefs!
BACK FROM COMMERCIAL:
Joey is up last. Curtis Stone thought his spicy sauce was too rich. Steve Ells says: The problem with the menu is how one-dimensional the concept is. Guys, sentences like this are why we love ANGR and why, once NBC cancels the series, we will continue to meet in my basement to film our own episodes. Steve Ells doesnt like the circular menu board; it should be linear. Bobby Flay totally agrees. Back in the contestants lounge, Joey says, The only shots you miss are the ones you dont take, which Im sure is false.
Our judges review the field. Eric has plateaued. Lorena doesnt care she wants to keep him because she loves grilled cheese. This, in turn, makes me love Lorena who can resist a beautiful woman with an exotic accent who loves grilled cheese? Its an Almodvar movie waiting to happen.
Alex, meanwhile, hasnt fixed his food. Does he even care about food, or does he just want to be cool? Curtis Stone, in spite of his frustration about Alexs muddled concept, admires the slick-haired Los Angeleno: Hes a survivor. Hell do whatever it takes. Including sodomy and/or murder. (Last sentence is a joke.)
The judges agree that Joey, being Italian, has the most passion. Curtis challenged Joey a little during the judges table and he liked seeing the fire in [Joeys] belly during that encounter. Steve Ells thinks Saucy Balls will not work as a fast-casual idea. For Steve Ells, its all about honoring the fast-casual paradigm. (Fun fact about your recapper: When I was in college, I pronounced paradigm as paradidjum.)
Eric, Alex, and Joey stand before the judges. Eric is accused of having a very narrow concept; Curtis is disappointed that he hasnt progressed your concept further. Lorena tells Alex that his menu is confusing, and he still hasnt delivered the best taco. Steve Ells tells Joey that Saucy Balls is too one-dimensional. (After the show, Joey tweeted I can't explain ... just feel very emotional very interesting night for me tonight, I learned a lot about myself ... Take that for what its worth.)
Bobby Flay delivers the news: We will not be investing in Revolution Tacos.
Alex is out! In the words of Gil Scott-Heron, the taco revolution will not be televised. Alex waxes analytic: My biggest flaw was my food wasnt good enough.
Bobby Flay still thinks Alex has talent: Alex was in the wrong competition. He should be in the I want my own Los Angeles bar competition, because he would win.
Actually, Mr. Flay, I would win that competition.
Thats it for this week. I apologize for my ill health and look forward to next weeks recap, in which I hope to try out some of Kale Citys hottest recipes!
David Rees is an artisanal pencil sharpener.