The Four Loko FDA Warning That Wasn’t

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Vice and Bob "Mr. Show, etc." Odenkirk got their hands on a can of Four Loko printed with a "government-approved warning" that the drink's makers could have put on the can to keep from having to pull the product from shelves. Needless to say, they chose the latter option. (Maybe because they knew some delis would still stock the stuff, even after it was banned.) Anyway, the full, very-official-sounding warning, below:

WARNING: THE INGREDIENTS OF THIS DRINK HAVE BEEN FOUND TO CAUSE MEN AND WOMEN TO BECOME HUGE ASSHOLES. IN LABORATORY AND NON-LABORATORY TESTS, THE COMBINATION OF ALCOHOL, CAFFEINE, TAURINE, AND GUARANA, COMBINED WITH THE STUNTED INTELLECT OF THE TYPE OF PERSON WHO WANTS TO DRINK SOMETHING THAT TASTES THIS SHITTY OUT OF SUCH A GARISH, DIPSHIT-LOOKING CAN AS THIS, HAVE BEEN PROVEN TO EXACERBATE AND ENLARGE THE ASSHOLE-RELATED BEHAVIORS OF THE DRINKER. ASSHOLE BEHAVIOR CAN BE DESCRIBED AS: BEING LOUD AND LOUTISH, GRABBING WOMEN, PUNCHING YOUR FRIENDS IN THE DICK AND LAUGHING ABOUT IT, WANTING TO DRIVE WHEN YOU CLEARLY SHOULDN'T DRIVE, THROWING SHIT IN THE STREET, LAUGHING IN-BETWEEN VOMIT SPEWS, JOINING A FRATERNITY, BEING IN A FRATERNITY, SLEDDING AFTER MIDNIGHT, PUNCHING A BRICK WALL, STARING AT THE BOUNCER MENACINGLY, PISSING AROUND THE TOILET, DRINKING MORE OF THIS SHITYY BEVERAGE, LAUGHING LOUDLY AT UNFUNNY THINGS, WANTING TO PLAY GUITAR-HERO AND THEN GETTING MAD AT GUITAR-HERO, PAYING HOMELESS PEOPLE TO DANCE, THROWING SHIT OUT OF DORM WINDOWS, PISSING WHEREVER YOU HAPPEN TO BE STANDING, WATCHING DAVID HASSELHOFF'S DRUNK "BURGER" VIDEO ON YOUTUBE AND LAUGHING ABOUT IT, LAUGHING AT UNFUNNY THINGS, PLAYING "PRANKS," CONSIDERING GETTING A TATTOO OF BAM MARGERA, GETTING A TATTOO OF BAM MARGERA, KNOWING WHO BAM MARGERA IS, DRINKING EVEN MORE OF THIS SHITTY-ASS-GRIMY-TASTING SEWER-WATER, CONSIDERING JOINING A RUGBY TEAM, ETC. IN LABORATORY TESTS, MICE WHO WERE FED THIS DRINK BECAME LITTLE MOUSE ASSHOLES. THEY PUSHED OTHER MICE OFF THE RUNNING WHEEL AND LAUGHED MOUSE-LAUGHS, THEN VOMITED AND STARTED LITTLE MOUSE-FRATERNITIES. PREGNANT WOMEN WHO DRINK THIS MAY ALSO HAVE A MARKED INCREASE IN THE PROBABILITY OF HAVING A LITTLE ASSHOLE BABY, ALTHOUGH TESTS HAVE NOT ASCERTAINED WHETHER THIS IS DUE TO THE ASSHOLE QUALITIES OF THE DRINK OR THE ASSHOLES WHO PROBABLY GOT THE WOMAN PREGNANT. COULD BE BOTH. SIMPLY PUT, WHETHER YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE WHEN YOU BEGIN DRINKING THIS OR SIMPLY A DOUCHE-BAG, IF YOU DRINK ENOUGH OF IT, YOU WILL DEFINITELY QUALIFY AS A HUGE ASSHOLE.

4LOKOS REJECTED FDA WARNING [Vice]