Why Do the Shadiest Bars Have the Cheesiest Names?

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Photo: The one and only Al's Mr. Wedge

According to a press release, a judge has upheld the State Liquor Authoritys summary suspension of a liquor license belonging to a Yorktown bar and grill called Miracles (among other things, an unlicensed bouncer with a history of felonies was caught dealing cocaine). This isnt big news, but the bars name Miracles! gets us to thinking: There seems to be some sort of rule that says that the more cheesy and ridiculous a bars name, the greater are its chances of being fined or shut down by the SLA. With the one exception of Als Mr. Wedge in the Bronx, we have yet to find a New York bar with a name as inexplicable as Pufferbellies (scene of a recent shooting in Cape Cod), but after choosing the very worst (or best?) names among the New York state bars that have received disciplinary action from the SLA in the past couple of years, weve come up with the following rules.

1. If you open a bar called Club So-and-So, youre going to be hit with a fine or a cancellation at some point: Club 37, Club 90, Club JFK, Club Alexis, Club Hush, Club Attractions, Club Escape, etc.

2. If your name has a whiff of secrecy, whatever secret youre keeping will probably be outed: Secrets Pub, Indis Little Secrets, Intrigue, Club Hush, Club Illusion, Liars, Hush, Cahoots, Shady Als.

3. Also avoid names that imply people spilling the beans: Talk of the Town, Café Bar Chatterbox.

4. Avoid anything tropical: Tropical Nights, Toucans Tropical Bar, Cancun Bar, Fiesta Cancun, Acapulco, Stingrays, the Flood Zone, Mike McCarthys Going South.

5. Avoid fake Irish names such as Sporty McGees, Snuffy Magees, Snuffys Pub, or McGillicuddys Tap House.

6. Avoid names that cheekily/cheesily play on drinking terms, such as Wormburners, Coasters, Toddies, Tequilas, Shooters, Chasers, or the Chase.

7. Avoid names that imply your customers or the owner are big shots, e.g. Big Shotz, Spenders, Players Club, Ballers Nightclub, Big Daddys, Big Gs, One Stop Big Bob, and El Padrino II (The Godfather II).

8. Avoid seemingly naming the place after your cat: Bubs, Mr. Shoes, Miss Kittys II, Froggys on the Bay, Mr. Babbingtons Café, Chez Toto, the Cats Meow.

9. Avoid naming the place after family members such as Moms or Aunt Effies (where there were sales of crack cocaine).

10. Avoid names that imply bliss: Serenity, Club Joy, Euphoria, Rancho Jubilee, Utopia, Club Escape, Club Oasis, Haven, Its All Good.

11. Avoid names you probably wont be able to live up to: Seduction, Club Attractions, Knockouts.

12. Avoid names that smack of a hangover or any sort of drinking repercussions: Hay Caramba, Disfunction Junction, Jailhouse Inn.