On Tuesday we asked readers how they would prepare a fictional pig. The most creative dish would win a pair of tickets to a fantastic Marco Canora pork fest hosted by Epicurious on Saturday night. You did not disappoint us, dear readers! A few of our favorite entries — and the winner! — are below.
Honorable Mentions
“The way to cook THE THREE LITTLE PIGS would be obvious … You have a BBQ pit built of brick and, fired by straw and sticks (preferably hardwood), bellows to huff’n’puff and keep the embers roaring, and of course the pitmaster would be Burt Wolf (he wouldn’t get dumped in the pot, though).” —Tom Palmer
“Napoleon from Animal Farm. Given the pig’s older and meaner stature I’d definitely go with a traditional Phillipino lechon preparation: Spiking the pig from butt to mouth, slow roasting him over a fire for hours, basting him with his own fat drippings. Preparation would involve an apple in the mouth, maybe garnish with a Communist-era hat.He would be served at a communal table, no forks, for the “comrades” to eat. Best served shared.” —Dan Cortez
WHOLE ROAST SNOWBALL SHASHLIK
1) Marinate the recently slaughtered corpse of Snowball (killed with cause, of course) with 4 large beefsteak tomatoes and 4 whole onions in reserved milk with liberal seasonings of white pepper, dried basil, dried parsley, and salt to taste.
2) After marinating everything overnight, slice off ends of tomatoes on all sides to create red squares.
3) Thread red squared tomatoes, onions, and recently slaughtered corpse of Snowball (killed with cause, of course) on a large spit.
4) Place a windfallen apple in Snowball’s mouth.
5) Roast entire spit over an open flame for several hours, slowly turning the spit while singing “Napoleon’s Song.” As you endlessly turn the spit, your resolution must never falter.
6) Remove spit from flame and place on a serving platter. Garnish the recently slaughtered corpse of Snowball (killed with cause, of course) by ramming an icepick through the back of his head.
—Brian Ferdman
“P-P-P-Place Piglet in a very large pot and pour in enough brine to cover. Reserve brining Piglet for roughly 24-hours in a cool location. Towards the end of the brining time call Chris Robin (much easier with two people & he’ll get over the irony) and ask him to help you rig a spit over an open charcoal/wood pit near the Six Pine Trees. Once cooking, the temperature above the pit should stay between 225 and 250. Add a layer of fresh coals every 30 minutes or so, as needed … Inevitably, Tigger will come bouncing along. Ask Tigger to tend to the turning of the spit, because that’s what Tiggers do best…” —Mike Wanderer
“Like Wilbur’s famous pig personality, the simple preparation of this fine swine by slowly braising his pork belly is at once humble and magnificent … ” —Jessica DiPietro
Our winning entry was submitted on Wednesday morning and your editors could not forward it to each other fast enough. Congratulations to Jeff Newman!
Ummagumma Pork Chops With Psychdelic Mushroom Sauce
4-6 pork chops cut from Pink Floyd’s Pig, circa 1977, after Syd Barrett was gone but while Roger Waters and Nick Mason were still in the band. To many, this was the tastiest era. The pig, after Mr. Waters and Mr. Mason left the band, lost most of the crispness and just kept a lot of the fat.
4-6 Oz Psilocybin Mushrooms, Sliced thin, keep both caps and stems
2 cans Cream of Mushroom soup
Brown Pork Chops. Add mushrooms and soup. Simmer over low heat for 30 minutes.
Prep time: 15 Mins.
Meal Time: 6-8 Hours, may seem much much longer.
