No. 1 Doorman Attacks Clubber With Velvet Rope: The Movie

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Photo: Getty Images

The Post has a great story for anyone who has ever been nixed by Wass Stevens, the infamous Marquee doorman. He’s accused of throwing the business end of a velvet rope at someone who was trying to argue his way into Avenue, allegedly cracking the dude’s head and sending him to the hospital. Wass was charged with assault and quickly released. Now, why do we see the makings of an excellent summer rom com in this? One that Wass would actually play himself in (if Bradley Cooper isn’t available), given that he has appeared in the Wrestler and in BlackBerry ads and whatnot. Here’s how it would go.

Roped In would be about a high-strung New York City doorman who is just this close to snapping. One day he actually does clobber someone in the most ridiculous way possible (with a velvet rope), and the judge sentences him to community service — teaching special-needs kids. At first Wass is pissed off that he’s been reduced to this, and takes it out on his adorable students — for instance, he doesn’t let the boys into his classroom unless they’re accompanied by hot chicks. But after he reduces one of the 12-year-olds to tears by telling her she’s dressed like a “Jersey ho,” his heart softens and he remembers what’s really important in life. He starts teaching them how to frost their hair and wear seersucker with leather gloves. He begins grooming his charges for the party of the year — Paul Sevigny’s birthday at Avenue. But how will he get a dozen special-needs kids into the hottest club in New York?

During the course of all this, Wass starts regretting losing the love of his life, a nice Midwestern girl who broke up with him after he wouldn’t let her into Avenue (she was wearing something from the Gap). The climax of the movie comes when Wass tries to get his kids into Sevigny’s birthday party and the new doorman won’t let them in. Or rather, he’ll only let the chicks in. Wass launches into an impassioned speech that culminates in “you can buy a bottle, but you can’t buy a good time!” He takes his class across the street, up to the High Line, and in a spontaneous flash, he holds up a boom box John Cusack–style and starts blasting that club banger, “We Are Your Friends.”

A news crew sent to cover Paul Sevigny’s birthday starts broadcasting the cute kids instead, and pretty much the whole city joins in the party. At first it's mostly fat people who couldn't get into Avenue anyway, but then everyone (even the models!) at Sevigny’s birthday party floods out and joins the kids. Noah Tepperberg is so pissed that he throws a whole tray of waffle fries against the wall, getting ketchup all over the birthday boy’s pink shirt. Meanwhile, the shy kid who Wass has been mentoring about girls has finally grown his soul patch, and gets up the nerve to ask his crush for a dance. And of course, Wass’s lost love hears about the party and shows up. Wass grins when he checks the tag of her sweatshirt (the Gap, as always), and they kiss passionately and the camera pans up to the full moon over the New York City night.

The End.

Velvet Rope "Attack" at Club [NYP]