Shut Up, Gwyneth Paltrow

Much as we hate using the phrase “we call shenanigans,” people, we call shenanigans.

Epicurious’s Epi-Log has come to the defense of one of our least-favorite celebrities, Gwyneth Paltrow, listing off the “Top 10 Signs That Gwyneth Paltrow Is Serious About Food.” These are:

1. She can make pizza dough from scratch

2. Her friends rave about her bruschetta and cioppino

3. She gets her 2 1/2 year old son Moses to help her cook

4. She invents her own recipes

5. She grows her own vegetable garden

6. She can actually name drop places she visited during the taping of that culinary travel show with Mario Batali

7. Her new newsletter, “GOOP,” discusses food a LOT

8. She can talk organic and macrobiotic like nobody’s business

9. She received a cooking lesson from Jamie Oliver as a birthday gift

10. She helps raise funds for a food charity (Food Bank NYC)

In our humble opinion, the vast majority of this list is crapola. We certainly believe that she can talk organic and macrobiotic, but it’s precisely that history of her being this controlling, self-denying, joyless eater that makes us suspicious of everything else on the list. The only thing here that gives us pause is the claim that she makes her own pizza dough, but we’re in agreement with the majority of commenters on the blind item that puts Gwyneth in a position of being a culinary poseuse:

“This celebrity wants everyone to know everything about how perfect her life is, and how you can be just like her. We know she is currently lying about two things. The first lie she tells is about food. She says that she grocery shops and spends time in the kitchen cooking every meal for herself and her family. So not true. A quote from a recent member of her household staff : “She wouldn’t know where anything was kept in the kitchen unless it fell off the shelf and hit her in the head.

So there!

Top 10 Signs That Gwyneth Paltrow Is Serious About Food [Epi-Log]
Which Supermodel Can’t Stop Getting Plastic Surgery? [Gawker]

Shut Up, Gwyneth Paltrow