Okay, someone on the Top Chef staff must be a frustrated English major, because after that whole “something borrowed, something new” thing last episode, they broke out “The Twelve Days of Christmas” for this one. Enough with the word play! Instead, why not ask the cheftestants to cook something for Santa Claus and have Colicchio shoot down the chimney in a fuzzy red hat? And of course, the cookbook-plugging portion of the show featured Martha Stewart sternly judging “one-pot wonders.” The episode’s conclusion made our head explode like an uncorked bottle of Korbel, and we weren’t surprised that the esteemed Adam Platt had a similar reaction.
Maurer: Wow, that episode was like getting coal in your stocking. Three French hens, two turtle doves, and not one contestant eliminated.
Platt: What a farce. The twelve days of Christmas was a ridiculous conceit to begin with, especially considering they probably shot it in August. The poor kitchen slaves had no idea what to cook.
Maurer: It’s true— that amfAR benefit with the Christmas trees was like a Potemkin village. I Googled it and found nothing. And we were promised celebrities! All we got was Kenneth Cole!
Platt: The whole episode was a ridiculous sham. They didn’t even have the guts to send Eugene of the Tattoos packing! The minute he uttered that fateful term, “pineapple rings,” they should have yanked him from the stage.
Maurer: Well, his wasn’t the only atrocity. Padma looked like she was about to suffer a reversal of fortune when she tasted Jamie’s crudo of sea scallop. And what’s with all the scallops? Jamie is on the verge of out-scalloping Leah.
Platt: Jamie’s a scallop freak, apparently. We even caught a shot of her desperately cooking scallops for the next episode. I can’t wait to see that!
Maurer: Why did we never find out who left the fridge open, and why weren’t they given the boot? The producers must’ve had footage.
Platt: A pox on all their houses! We can’t even muster up the energy to talk about who might get axed next week, because guess what? They might not ax anybody. But I have to say, grudgingly, I did enjoy Martha’s brief turn. She paraded regally among them like she was the Queen of England. She even had the half-handshake down. She did not approve of poor Eugene’s starchy Korean stew.
Maurer: But then she bestowed honors on Ariane’s filet mignon by saying “from one Jersey girl to another …”
Platt: Why does Ariane keep winning these competitions? She’s from Jersey, for Chrissakes! It doesn’t speak well of the others. Maybe they’re all just really crappy cooks.
Maurer: Let’s remember, Colicchio is also from Jersey. But even he had to throw up his arms in defeat, as did Michelle Bernstein (yet another non-NYC judge). Obviously it’s a measure of desperation that next week’s judge is Toby Young, the poor man’s Simon Cowell.
Platt: The Don’s move was a shameful cop-out. Maybe they felt bad about the refrigerator busting. I have to say, though, I quite admired the Don’s blue silk suit.
Maurer: They really should’ve scratched the episode when that meat spoiled, but then Korbel wouldn’t have gotten that money shot of the cheftestants toasting. And let’s face it, it perfectly embodied Christmas (suspiciously so) when they all chipped in for Radhika. She was the episode’s Tiny Tim.
Platt: Who cares about Radhika and her spoiled duck?! Who cares about any of them?! They’re putting us all to sleep. Speaking of which …
Maurer: You know what you need, my friend? A soothing flute of Korbel. I will leave you to it …