Top Chef: Adam Platt Is Unnerved by PDA, Freakishly Bad Dishes

Photo: Courtesy of Bravo

Last nights episode of Top Chef saw our humble cheftestants going against a Queens hot-dog maker (what, Nicholas Gray wasnt charismatic enough?) and then cooking under Damon Wises stern gaze at Craft for 50 New York chefs who hadnt made it onto the show because (we can only assume) their facial hair wasnt creative enough. There was wisdom (Fabio: It doesnt matter how many dragons you kill, its who takes home the princess), there was denial (Stefan: There was nothing wrong with my hot dog!), there was spherification, and in the end, there were tears. We, of course, had Adam Platts shoulder to lean on.

Maurer: You'll have to give me a moment, I'm still crying...

Platt: As soon as you heard the fateful words quiche and ostrich egg, you knew Jill was in deep trouble.

Maurer: I thought that egg mustve been planted to orchestrate her downfall. But I called Whole Foods and they actually do sell ostrich eggs.

Platt: A lot of those dishes looked freakishly bad. Jills bizarre summer-roll hot dog in the Quickfire event didn't do her any favors. And what about the meatloaf creation by Mr. Tattoo?

Maurer: There were many looks of outright revulsion, especially from Ms. Donatella Arpaia.

Platt: Donatella was smiling but firm. She and the lovely Gail were a formidable combination.

Maurer: It was so perfect that the European Union went with hot-dog paninis. The Euros got quite cuddly this episode.

Platt: They were pawing each other in a most unnerving way. Im sure the producers are hoping theyll start scratching each others eyes out when they get closer to the prize.

Maurer: Youd think Fabio had won a World Cup semifinal, the way he gloated Europe is tied up!

Platt: Hes a bumptious character. He and Stefan will win most of these manufactured challenges. I fear were in for many bleak hours of non-drama.

Maurer: But how great was it when they brought in the embittered NYC chefs?

Platt: They had every right to be bitter about the grim dishes they were made to consume. So whos next for the chopping block?

Maurer: Well, theres Hosea his specialty is seafood and yet he botched a crab salad. But he has that impish grin, and Im sure the producers are hoping to see what happens between him and his new cuddlebuddy, Leah. As for Leah, I was a little concerned that she turned to scallops again. Is she a one-trick pony?

Platt: They might keep Hosea around. Hes from the mountains, and mountain men cant cook fish. He actually seems to have some talent. It could be the tattooed gentleman from Vegas. Theyre setting him up for a huge fall.

Maurer: Theres also the very real possibility that Carlas spirit guides will fail her. And of course theres Ariane Padma spat out a dessert thats on the menu at her restaurant.

Platt: If its not Ariane, well have to call for an investigation. If she doesnt self-implode, everyone will be shocked. The way things are going, shell be shocked.

Related: Adam Platt Sees a Kinder, Gentler Top Chef, Evil Baldy Aside