L’Asso’s Pizza Guide Throws Down: ‘F*** Fake-Italian Food!’

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Weve gotten an early look at Lassos Pizza Guide, an eleven-page insert in the next edition of the Onion, and man, does it lay down the law. Heres Mr. Lasso on what he calls Fake-Italian places: You know the ones, they bastardize Italian cooking then smother it in ketchup-like tomato sauce. Well you can cover up crap ingredients but you cant hide the taste. And later: Its all about standards. Like having the standards to say, Fuck Fake-Italian food! Neighboring red-sauce joints, youre on notice. The pamphlet also includes a timeline of pizza, an alphabet of the same (W is for White Just like a rapper, your pizza crust should never be white), the Commandments of Pizza DOC (Honor thine oven), and a rundown of Pizza Personalities such as the Dabber and the Folder. Our favorite? The calorie-cutting Ho-Downers who "channel the anger from a negative self-image into the teeth of the fork as they ferociously strip the pizza layer by layer leaving a field of deeply streaked dough, like the slice has been ho-ed. Hey, its cheaper than therapy.