L’Asso’s Pizza Guide Throws Down: ‘F*** Fake-Italian Food!’

By

We’ve gotten an early look at L’asso’s “Pizza Guide,” an eleven-page insert in the next edition of the Onion, and man, does it lay down the law. Here’s “Mr. L’asso” on what he calls “Fake-Italian” places: “You know the ones, they bastardize Italian cooking then smother it in ketchup-like tomato sauce. Well you can cover up crap ingredients but you can’t hide the taste.” And later: “It’s all about standards. Like having the standards to say, ‘Fuck Fake-Italian food!’” Neighboring red-sauce joints, you’re on notice. The pamphlet also includes a timeline of pizza, an alphabet of the same (W is for White — “Just like a rapper, your pizza crust should never be white”), the Commandments of Pizza DOC (“Honor thine oven”), and a rundown of Pizza Personalities such as “the Dabber” and “the Folder.” Our favorite? The calorie-cutting “Ho-Downers” who "channel the anger from a negative self-image into the teeth of the fork as they ferociously strip the pizza layer by layer leaving a field of deeply streaked dough, like the slice has been ho-ed. Hey, it’s cheaper than therapy.”