Last night’s episode of Top Chef was a doozy, more than making up for the soporific quality of last week’s show. The Quickfire Challenge was the always entertaining skills relay, in which the cheftestants had to clean artichokes, peel oranges, and make mayonnaise faster than their rivals. It came down to a grueling mayo race between Stephanie and Nikki, and the former won. In the Elimination Challenge, two teams had to cook for a massive Chicagoland wedding, and while there was much blame to spread, and not one but two Dale freak-outs, in the end the weakest of the remaining rivals was given the boot. We and Adam Platt sped to our computers to tap out the postmortem on IM.
Ozersky: That was enjoyable on so many levels. It was amazing that somebody let them turn their wedding into a reality-show challenge. I would sooner be cuckolded online.
Platt: I agree. My one regret, however, is we didn’t get to see Spike of the silly hats clean that horrible-looking monkfish.
Ozersky: That thing is incredible. The monkfish should get its own show!
Ozersky: Or at least be a guest judge.
Platt: You’re not wrong, my hairy friend!
Ozersky: Dale was a veritable firestorm of resentment, yet it was Nikki that was sent home packing, and not a minute too soon.
Platt: Nikki’s been weak since the beginning. She drifted through the show, but in the end she couldn’t hide. it was a cumulative failure.
Ozersky: What did you think of the Quickfire Challenge? I wish they’d do more stuff like that. I love watching chefs exert their technical skills. It’s the only thing they really can do that we can’t, you know?
Platt: It was fun to watch but pointless. Andrew uttered several immortal lines. “I have a culinary boner right now” was one. “I’m like buried in spinach” was another “I’m Popeye’s wet dream!”
Ozersky: He’s cracked. He is. I expect him to start stalking Uma Thurman any day now. But how about my little Stephanie? I love how she pulled it out in the mayonnaise challenge. I’m basically ready to marry her.
Platt: She was excellent. And I greatly enjoyed watching Spike butchering those artichokes.
Ozersky: I love that Spike got de-pantsed that way. Then Dale did it to him again at the judge’s table.
Platt: So who’s going to the glue factory next week?
Ozersky: Gotta be the Gorgon, no?
Platt: You may be right. But I say Spike will walk the plank.
Ozersky: The problem with Spike is he’s not quite incompetent enough to lose, but he’s neither skilled nor intelligent nor hardworking enough to win. He’s the kind of guy that floats along in college, getting Bs and having a hot girlfriend, and never quite gets his comeuppance. Then you end up working for him.
Platt: Of course, there’s no doubt who’s going to win the whole thing …
Ozersky: I’m not sure Sharkface has it won. Stephanie is growing on me.
Ozersky: I can see her kugel trumping Sharkface’s hypercolloids in the final battle.
Platt: Maybe she can bake you a wedding cake, Cutty!
Ozersky: She had better not. I would abandon the bride at the altar and run away with the chef.