The Food Network Wants You, No Matter Who You Are

Are you bald, ill-tempered, sweaty, and have a propensity to throw knives? Or perhaps a well-groomed blonde with lots of oomph and a firm grasp of supermarket products? Do you like butter? Then there may be a place for you on the Food Network, whose wide net is being cast this Monday as they trawl for “The Next Food Network Star.” Tryouts will be held at Food Network Studios at Chelsea Market, September 17, from 11 a.m. to 4 p.m.

“Strong culinary knowledge and vibrant personalities” — whatever that means — are said to be key, but don’t let that stop you from throwing your hat in the ring. If for some reason you can’t make it to the cattle call, just send a three-minute audition tape giving your qualifications to be on TV. The Zapruder reel, the R. Budd Dwyer suicide tape, and the Miss South Carolina pageant video are acceptable substitutes, as long as there’s food in there, somewhere.

The Next Food Network Star [The Food Network]