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Narcissistic and Highly Intoxicated Box Patrons Want Totally Gross Anthems, Says Owner

Von Von Von: "What do you mean, 'Don't call us…'?"Photo courtesy Von Von Von

Starting July 14, the Box will host early dinner shows at 8 p.m. on Fridays and Saturdays. Besides a three-course meal of Jewish comfort food and the chance to spot Scar-Jo, what exactly can one expect for the $125 price of admission? Server Mike Harr, whom we recently interviewed for Ask a Waiter, would say only that the show was “mysterious, very mysterious,” but we have another inside source: Belgian pop sensation Von Von Von, best known for wowing the Apollo, who recently auditioned before owner Simon Hammerstein. We'll let Von tell this in his own words:
I auditioned at the Box, a hipster kitsch theater on Chrystie Street. Bosses sat in shadows while I did my number. They called me offstage, and I navigated the dim pastiche. In a plush booth, both owners lounged, amused. Pretty girls filled tables nearby.

“Von, do you do anything wackier?” One said. “Where you jump around and act weird?”

“Um,” I said.

“Or something dirty?” the unshaven one suggested. “Something about sex?”

I took the stage and unleashed “The Nanarama”: pure metaphoric porn. Upon ending my double entendres, I doubled back to their booth.

“Von, that was clever,” one boss began, “but our crowd is narcissistic and highly intoxicated. They don’t listen to words.”

“What works here are simple, dumb, totally gross anthems,” the unshaven one explained. “For example, we have a guy who sings ‘Gay In A Bad Way.’ That’s the entire song. He shouts ‘Gay in a Bad Way!’ over and over. Then he walks around the audience, sticking his ass in people’s faces. Do you have something like that?”

I thought for a moment. “You mean, a song about putting my ass in people’s faces?”

They nodded. Alas, my repertoire neglected this aspect of the human adventure.

“I could work on it,” I offered.

“Great, Von, why don’t you do that, and come back.”

I left the club and threaded through the LES. Walking the dirty streets, I listed rhymes that matched with “face.” (Come up to me, what you trying to say? Hey! I’ll put my ass in your face.) By Chinatown, I had an entire page.

But was it… me?

Von Von Von [Official site]

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