World’s Biggest Cheese in Town Today

I will accept your pathetic devotions, humans. Now kneel BEFORE THE CHEESE!Photo: courtesy Beemster; Istockphoto
To say that we felt only excited at the prospect of seeing the world’s biggest cheese today would be an understatement. It was more like awe. Six-feet wide and weighing over 1,300 pounds, the Gouda-style cheese is the star of a special exhibit co-sponsored by Murray’s Cheese and the Beemster company of Holland. A bothersome case of gout will be keeping us from the cheese’s press conference, which we are told is scheduled for 11:30 a.m. But we’ve thought of some ways the milk monument might be put to use.

• Poison cheese and leave it outside on 42nd Street, ending New York’s rat problem once and for all.

• Use slices to insulate electrified manhole covers, thus freeing up official ConEd vehicles for more pressing business.

• Use as “cargo cult” totem to overawe commuters from distant areas.

• Sink a cheese knife deep within; whoever can remove it will be crowned as King of Cheese.

• Three words: hot-tub fondue.

• Luxury doll house for Chester Cheetah figurines.

• Promotional item for overseas dairy.