Seemingly Sober Individual Consumes Seven Pounds of Brother Jimmy’s Wings

Moist towelettes, stat!

Were just back from Grand Central Terminal, where top-ranked American gurgitator Joey Jaws Chestnut has retained his title of chicken-wing-eating champion. Proving that hes only getting stronger in his quest to return the coveted mustard belt to America when he faces champion Takeru Kobayashi in the Nathans hot-dog-eating contest this year. Jaws set a new record by decimating 7.105 pounds of medium-hot wings in twelve minutes, a good pound more than the visibly shaken onetime champ Sonya The Black Widow Thomas. We don't have photos yet, but trust us, the wingtastic expression of chicken wings, as emcee Keenan Thompson described it, wasn't pretty third-place finalist Tim Eater X Janus, wearing a beard of hot sauce in addition to his usual face paint, was reduced to picking chicken scraps out of his teeth with a MetroCard.